“I guess we need to talk about this,” Cody said as he placed the dumbbells on the floor. Picking up his T-shirt, Cody turned and pulled it on. “Want to do it now, or can I shower and change?”
TJ stepped aside and pointed upstairs. “After,” he mumbled.
Cody watched him, then nodded. “Down in a few minutes.” He jogged up the stairs, through the kitchen, then up the next set of stairs and into his bedroom. “Shit.” He knew at some point he would have to discuss his back and the scars that lay across it, but he thought he’d have more time. More time to figure out how he could tell TJ what he’d experienced when he’d been gone.
Stripping, Cody quickly showered then dressed, but instead of going straight downstairs, he sat on the edge of the bed and tried to get his thoughts in order. He wasn’t ashamed of his past. He was the man he was now because of his past, and that wasn’t a bad thing. But going downstairs and reliving it… he knew he had to because he’d come back for TJ, so at some point TJ was going to see him naked. Would feel the scars on his back. Would want to know how they had occurred like he did right then.
Exhaling softly, Cody rubbed a hand over his face, then straightened. He could do this. Standing, he made his way downstairs and watched TJ staring out of the window and pulled a chair out from beneath the table and sat. TJ didn’t seem to have noticed Cody had arrived and didn’t move from his spot. Cody sat and watched TJ, took in the tension in his body, and then he spoke.
“I made a mistake. One of many, but it changed the course of my life.”
Chapter Ten
TJ
“Iguess we need to talk about this.” TJ heard the words, but his entire focus was on Cody’s back. The scars lay like stripes across it, and they disappeared from view when Cody turned and pulled his T-shirt on. “Want to do it now, or can I shower and change?”
TJ stepped aside and pointed upstairs. “After,” he mumbled.
Cody watched him, then nodded. “Down in a few minutes.”
Cody walked past him, and TJ watched him jog up the stairs but remained standing in the same spot as if he’d taken root and couldn’t move. Running a hand over his face, TJ went into the kitchen and contemplated grabbing a beer. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know how Cody had ended up with scars across his back.
“I made a mistake. One of many, but it changed the course of my life.” The words, softly spoken, came from behind, and TJ spun around, surprised to see Cody sitting at the table with a bottle of water in front of him.
“How long…?”
“A good few minutes.” Cody shrugged. “Come and sit with me. If we’re having this conversation, then I don’t want you standing across the room from me.”
TJ dragged a chair out from under the table and slumped in it. “How?”
“That’s a long story. Are you sure you want to hear it?”
“Of course I do,” TJ snapped. He sucked in a lungful of air and released it slowly. “Sorry.”
“No, I get it. I’ve seen my back.” Cody shrugged, paused, then began. “I didn’t have a destination in mind when I left here. I grabbed what I needed, some money, the medals I’d noticed on the wall and ran. Hitched a ride and just went wherever he was going. I got off a couple of hours away from here. Whitehall. Larger than here.”
“I know the place. I’ve been there a couple of times.”
“Ran into some people who did what I did. I lost myself. I drank and did drugs. Nothing too bad at first, but nothing remains that way. I slept around. Fucked anything I could and let men have me as often as they wanted. It didn’t matter to me. I’ve done a lot of things. Most I can’t even remember.”
Cody paused, sipped his water. “I’ve been to places where I let anyone have my ass. I didn’t care if they wore protection or not. Five, sometimes ten men in one night. None of it mattered. I lived this life through a haze of drink and drugs and at some point, it became more and harder and stronger until I was shooting up.” Cody placed his arm on the table and TJ saw faint track marks. He ran a finger over them and opened his mouth to say something, but he didn’t know what. He knew Cody, but he didn’t know this one and he was at a loss as to what he should say. A sheriff struggling to says the words that needed to be spoken.
“It still wasn’t enough. It didn’t drown out the voices, Cass and Emily. The self-loathing. Self-hatred for wanting men and then fucking men. A vicious cycle I drowned in. Nothing worked. I needed more and more until more wasn’t good enough. One day, a guy I fucked around with suggested we go to a party at some abandoned barn. Good drugs, he said, and maybe a guy who I could fuck.”
Cody fell into silence, splayed his hands on the table in front of him. TJ said nothing. He knew Cody wanted to put his thoughts in order. He’d seen this before when interviewing people so he gave Cody the time he needed.
“I looked different then. Not even the way you remembered me. Skin stretched thin over bones, hair long, greasy, patchy in places, fallen out because I was malnourished and didn’t care. Dirty. Filthy. Broken nails. Tattered clothes.”
Cody ran a finger over his wrist and TJ noticed the scar that circled it, one he hadn’t spotted before. “Cody…”
“We drove there in his clapped-out car. Fuck knows how it kept running, and I laughed because I was going to have the night of my life. High on drugs and drinking some shit brewed in some dirty manky back-alley place and a man I could bend over for and let him have my ass. Good times.” Cody swallowed, closed his eyes, then opened them to look up at TJ, his blue eyes intense. “We got there and went inside, and there stood five men. Not that I cared. I’d fucked more than that, but something…” Cody licked his lips. “A trickle of awareness maybe, or concern? I don’t know. Something in my gut was telling me to leave, but the warning was distant, hazy in the drugs floating through my system. I shot up, everything fading in and out, then I heard someone laugh.”
“I don’t need—”
“I knew the laugh. The type someone makes when they’re about to have fun, but the type of fun that comes at your expense.”
“Cody, don’t.”
