"Please what? Do you want me to feel sorry for you? You lied to her face, Devon. You fucked her while you were lying to her. Do you have any idea how violated she feels right now?"
I close my eyes. "I know."
"Do you? Because from where I'm standing, you don't knowshit."
"I fucked up." My voice cracks, and I don't even try to hide it. "I fucked up so badly, Katrina. I know that. But I need—I need to explain. Not to make excuses. I have to tell her everything."
"Everything?" Katrina sounds like she’s gonna blow. "Are you saying there'smore? You’re one sick son of a bitch, Devon.”
"No. I mean—" I scrub a hand over my face. "The kiss isallthat happened.” I exhale shakily, my cheeks still wet from my tears.
"Then why didn't you tell Jade from the start?"
"Because I'm a fucking coward. Because I thought if she didn't know, we could move past it. I thought I was protecting her."
"You were protectingyourself;you dick.”
"I know." I'm crying again, tears sliding down my cheeks, and I don't give a shit. "You're right. Jade said the same thing. And she's right. I was selfish and scared, and I made everything worse."
Katrina is quiet for a long moment. I can hear her breathing, can picture her standing in her immaculate condo with her arms crossed, deciding whether to hang up on me or hear me out.
"What do you want from me, Devon?"
"I want to talk to her. Face to face when she's ready. But I don't think she'll agree unless you help."
"So, you want me to what—play mediator?"
"I want you to be there. For her. To make sure I don't say the wrong thing, to protect her if I fuck this up again." I take a ragged breath. "I love her, Katrina. I know you probably don't believe me right now, but I love her more than anything in this fucking world. And I will do whatever it takes to make this right. Even if it means losing her."
The line goes quiet again.
"You should lose her," Katrina finally says. "After what you did, you deserve to lose her."
"I know."
"But she loves you too. God knows why." She sighs, and it’s heavy. "I'll talk to her. If she doesn't want to see you, you back off. Understood?"
"Understood."
"And Devon?"
"Yeah?"
"If you lie to her again—about anything—I will personally make sure you regret it for the rest of your miserable fucking life."
I almost laugh but nothing about this is funny.
"I believe you."
She hangs up without saying goodbye.
I sit in the silence of our empty house, Jade's scent still clinging to everything around me, and I let myself feel it all: the shame, the guilt, the fucking fear, the desperate hope that I haven't destroyed us beyond repair.
All I can do is pray, and I’ve never been a religious man, so even that’s fucking useless.
But still I bow my head and say a prayer to a God I’ve never believed in before, hoping he’s listening.
Chapter Eighteen
