Whatever she shares next might shred me to pieces.
25
Maggie
I trail off.This is something I never talk about. It’s not even something I think about. Roe has to understand, really understand, that this is so much more than revenge. That this is about every incident in my whole life, in every girl’s life. Every girl who feels unsafe. Every person who feels unsafe. This whole culture.
“By the time the thing happened with Zebulund… I was already jaded. I sort of went into it understanding how the world works. Zebulund spotted me in a casting call. I made a joke in the audition and he laughed and I knew I was on his radar. He wanted to talk to me. I knew he was a huge deal. He’s one of the first names you hear in this city.”
Roe nods his agreement and I keep talking. I’ve already shared my whole life story at this point, I might as well go big.
“I was called up to his hotel room. He was in a robe when he answered the door. One voice told me that I needed to leave and go back downstairs. The other voice warned me not to blow this opportunity. Other girls would kill to be here. I thought I was worldly and womanly. I thought I knew so much. I would play him. Give enough without crowding any of my own ethical lines. I quickly learned I had no control over the situation. Not ever. I was an idiot to put myself in that position. I get that now. But I thought maybe I was different. Maybe he thought I was really talented. That I wouldn’t be like all other girls. But I was just like them. Even after that incident with my mentor, I held out this hope. Isn’t that crazy?” I wipe away a tear with a bitter laugh. Apparently, I’m crying.
“You don’t have to—” Roe’s eyes shut for a long moment before he opens them again. “If this is too hard.”
“I have to tell someone. I can’t live like this anymore. I feel like it’s just sitting in my body like a cancer and eating me from the inside out.”
He takes a deep breath. “I know it sounds trite. But you’re so brave right now.”
I smile falteringly and go on. He thinks I’m brave now. But he needs to know the truth about me. I’m a coward. And worse.
“By the time he got to making his advances, I wasn’t even surprised. Mostly I was numb. I thought of the career I would have. Told myself that I owed him this. That this was my duty. I closed my eyes as he rubbed my shoulders and said I was beautiful.”
I stop talking. My stomach churns bile up my tight throat. All those nights afterward when I could still feel his hands rubbing my shoulders, his fingertips on my breast. My shame at selling out. My shame and regret for not knowing if I should stay or go. Even then, even when we had crossed all my own personal lines, I didn’t know how to leave. I swallow and gather the courage in me, fisting my hands into my sides to quell the pain.
“He went to take my shirt off and I knew I couldn’t go any further. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t start my career this way. Even if that’s what I was told to do. Even if that’s how the system worked. I wanted to leave at that moment. But he was already… into it. His robe was open. I had my eyes squeezed shut but he… he wanted me to touch him.”
Roe sits with the back of his hand over his mouth. His eyes shine and his eyebrows contort in disgust. This is when he changes his opinion of me. This is when he sees me as a whore. A drama queen. Or worse, a liar. But I have to get it out. He has to know the truth about me. I push my fists harder into my sides, hating that I’m sniffling.
“I told him ‘no,’ that I didn’t want to touch him. I told him I had to go. He said we’d just started, that I was a good girl, that he really liked me. He just wanted to help me. That I wasn’t like all these other girls. That I had talent and humor and a willingness to work for it that would get me far in this business.” I wipe a tear from my cheek. “It was everything I had been dying to hear. I fell for every line. Even still, when I’m super low, I hold on to those kernels, praying he meant it. Even when he rubbed himself against me. Even later I would doubt how it all happened, thinking maybe I was being dramatic. But no. In that moment, I was terrified and wanted to leave. I told him no, but he said I was already committed. He sort of pulled himself out and rubbed himself against my thigh. I couldn’t… I didn’t stop him. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t move. I let him. I know I shouldn’t have. He ended up coming on me. Telling me that I was a good little girl and he knew that I liked it.”
All the horror of that moment sits on my chest. I feel him still. I hear the grunts as he humped me. I smell his sweat and cum. And see myself sitting there taking it. My arms are wrapped so tight around my middle that I feel like getting sick to release the pressure.
“He told me to go take a shower. I locked myself in the bathroom, and after I threw up and shook and cried. He knocked on the door but walked in anyway. He had a key. The lock was pointless. I should’ve known he’d be coming back for more. To really seal the deal.
“He looked around for me. Called me. He was in total shock. That’s when I realized I was invisible. I went Under for the first time. I didn’t even know I’d done it. I thought maybe part of me died. I actually sort of hoped for it in that moment. I know, melodramatic, but I did. I was standing right next to him but he didn’t see me. I just ran for it. Naked. I grabbed my coat and purse and ran for it. I don’t know what he thought happened.” I let loose a shuddering breath.
“I never went to the police. He hadn’t raped me after all. People would think I was making something out of nothing. It wasn’t nearly so bad as what some women go through. What century was I from that a little dry hump destroyed me? I could never come forward about something like that. After that, I was thoroughly disenchanted with this town. I wouldn’t leave the bungalow. I was depressed. It was only when someone on TV made a joke about him and his hotel room that I started thinking. I decided that the cycle had to stop, and it would be me to stop it. I would take him down because I was done anyway. There was no me anymore. I was erased. I became Miss Mayday that day and never looked back.”
A deep breath allows me to steady myself and keep my gaze from Roe. I’m afraid to see what he thinks of me now. How he will see who I am.
“I know that it was idiotic of me to go into that room. I just… You hear the stories. But you think you’ll be different.”
“You have to stop talking.” His voice is carefully controlled.
I suck in my lips. My heart is breaking in my chest. I study my hands as a fat tear drops into them.
“Fuck—fuck! I want to murder them.” Roe rages.
I look up in shock at the outburst. I’ve never seen him like this. His eyes are wild and glossy.
“I want to rip their hearts out, Maggie. And you…”
“I know.” I squeeze my eyes shut.
“No!” He gets out of the car and slams the door so hard it scares a sob out of me.
He’s leaving me. He’s done with me. I’m a coward. A child with a pathetic story. Now he knows the truth. He growls something unintelligible outside the car and kicks up a clump of rocks as he walks around in front of the headlights. The door whips open. He drops to a crouch beside me and reaches for my hands, but doesn’t touch me.
