My mouth freezes. Words want to come out but they are all backed up. My brain seems to have stalled out and my cock is straining against my pants, screaming, “What are you waiting for? Go forth and touch!” I close my eyes. I can’t look at her as I make the stupidest choice of my life. But truly, I want what’s best for her. Touching her is exquisite but she may need time and space.
“Trust me when I say, there is truly nothing I want to do more than explore these ideas of yours.” My gaze falls under the surface of the water to her breasts, pink nipples just barely peeking out of the water. “I'd really, really love to.”
Her nipples break the surface of the water and harden. With every subtle movement the water shifts around them. The skin of her neck is flushed and one of her hands is on her thigh under the surface, moving up and down.
My mouth is open. I’m sure something is about to come out. I force myself to look at her face and finish the thought. The stupid, stupid thought.
“My feelings for you are… big. There’s no rush. I don’t want to scare you.”
She turns entirely in the tub but lifts her legs in the process so she’s hugging them by the time she faces me. I can tell she’s biting back a laugh.
“You don’t scare me.”
“You’re right. You’ve never been scared of me.”
“That’s not exactly true.” She swallows and looks around the room.
I think again to the first time she watched me. How I was cruel to Rachel to protect her and wonder if that’s what she refers to.
“You were scared of me?”
She looks up at me through wet lashes. Her skin glows ethereal and it’s surreal to see.
“I was scared of how I felt for you.” For the first time, her coy seduction slips. Her eyes flit down and up again. “I haven’t been attracted to anybody, not for years. I didn’t even think I was capable, but the first time I saw you in the flesh, the first time, I really looked at you…” She focuses on the edge of the tub before meeting my gaze again. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you in ways that are entirely new to me.”
“Oh.” My mouth hangs open and my Adam’s apple bobs. I can’t remember anybody ever telling me something so honest and truthful. It floors me.
“I keep telling you it’s okay. That I want to. That I want us to be closer. But you keep fighting it. I know you think I’m fragile. And in a lot of ways I definitely am. But after talking to you tonight and coming forth with all that dead weight I’ve been carrying around, I understand that I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to claim my sexuality for myself. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. But don’t say it’s because you’re trying to protect me. I don’t need protection.” Her gaze dips and she licks her lips. “I need satisfaction.”
* * *
Maggie
If Roe leaves this room,I may die. My honesty leaves me raw and exposed like a patient in the middle of heart surgery. Here I am with my chest ripped open and my heart totally exposed. He places a hand on my cheek.Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare leave this room.
“You’re an amazing human,” he tells me. “I’m so lucky to know you. I’ve never thought for one moment you were weak.” Then he stands up and leaves the room.
Frick.
I stare dumbfounded at the door. Okay then, at least I’m rejected in the nicest way possible. Doesn’t help the horrible sensation in my ribcage, like someone’s repeatedly stabbing me. I can’t catch my breath.
I go Under as I actually go under. I can’t even handle seeing myself right now. My back slides down the smooth surface of the tub as the warm water engulfs me entirely. The water settles around me in record time. I don’t sink toward the bottom of the oversized tub. Instead, I sort of hover.
Like this, floating in water almost the same temperature as me, I feel something close to Nirvana. Or maybe that’s too spiritual for what I am at this moment. I feel neutral. Maybe that’s a better word. Nothing weighs me down. I don’t even feel like I need to breathe. I can stay suspended here in this equal state of neither rising nor sinking forever and feel nothing and do nothing.
Let the rest of the world sort out its own problems. I’m being selfish. I deserve the tiniest pity party after that. For a long time, I float with just my face out of the water.
Roe doesn’t return and I think about calling for a ride. I bet Danny and Russell would love to come pick me up fromtheJames Roe’s house.
I take my time toweling off and applying good smelling lotion. Ah, the perks of massive amounts of disposable income. This lotion alone is probably squeezed from the cheeks of cherubs.
Everything I told Roe is true. I’m not having some sort of emotional hangover or rebound-type situation. I’m not mixing up my confusion of lust for him with my abuse. I’m not seeking redemption through the touch of another man while not healing and covering the pain.
For years I’ve been hiding. Roe’s the first man to make me feel like I’m worth more than the sum of my looks. He makes me feel things that I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling. I’m ready to claim myself. I’m tired of not knowing myself on that level. On a sexual level. I’m twenty-five years old and I don’t have any clue what I’m like in bed. Or whatIlike in bed. I don’t know how to have an orgasm with a man. I’ve never even tried. Some would say that I’m technically still a virgin.
Okay, fine. All would say that.
A few sloppy fondles in high school that meant nothing, and then the incident with my mentor not long after that. I don’t go out and meet guys. I’m not naïve. Just lacking in experience points. But I don’t want just anybody. I only want Roe. My cheeks burn and I press cool fingertips to them.
