“Tonight. I want you to just be you.” I closed my eyes in an effort to try and get these things right. Talking was easier if I wasn't distracted by her face. “You have shown me that I was wrong about everything these last few months. Well, not everything. I still think my research is valid and I still plan to pursue that avenue. What I need to do is find a measurement stick. I think where the experiment got off course was—”
A hand softly squeezed my knee. “Start over.”
I opened my eyes. She was smiling expectantly at me.
“Seriously gorgeous.”
“Ford. Focus.” Her head shook with a laugh.
“I just want you to be you tonight. You’re perfect as you are. You didn’t need to change your clothes or accent to be respected by me. Or anybody else, for that matter. You’re funny and charming and an exceedingly quick learner. You just be yourself tonight. Don’t worry about accents or pretending to care about my research—“
“I do care about your research.” She was listening intently but a small line of worry had formed between her brows.
I needed to make sure I got this right.
“Of course. As much as you can with what you’ve learned. I know you care in your way.” Why did everything I say sound condescending? Luckily she knew me by now. “I know I said all that stuff when we started about changing and opportunity but you have shown more than enough these last few months that my original hypothesis was right all along.”
As I spoke her smile fell off and I worried once again that I had muddled the words. But no—she was perfect as she was. That was what I meant, and that’s what I said.
“I’ve shown you what?”
“That you’re a product of your environment. Your whole life you’ve been valued for your looks. For the sexual gratification you could provide. You’ve been told that you’re an empty vessel to be filled. That you were stupid and unworthy of love.”
In the soft light of the limo, her shoulders tensed.
“You never believed you were capable of more because you were never told you were. You tell a person they’re one thing their whole life, they’ll believe it. It’s similar to the Pygmalion Effect. This was never about changing your clothes or accent. This was about making you believe you’re capable of more.”
She sat still, despite the bumpy car ride. Her eyes wide with a fear I didn’t understand as they took in my words. Why was the world shrinking around me? Why did it feel like I had said the wrong thing?
"You said all the things you've said because you were…wait, the experiment wasn't the clothes, it was how you spoke to me?" Her arms shot out when we hit a particularly big bump to grip the seat for balance. "You only said those things to prove a point?"
We passed under a streetlight and her color was gone. I had messed up. I moved to sit next to her on the bench and gathered her hands. They were ice cold through the satin.
"No. Suzie. No. I wanted you to see what my research was about. If you treat someone one way their whole life, they will act that way. Time and time again research has shown that. But if you believe in someone and show them that they are worth more, then they believe it. Everybody believes it. There are four pillars to this: climate, input, response opportunity, and feedback. That's what we were doing. Yes, we were changing things but that was just to help you understand that you were capable all along."
She didn’t relax. “Ford. I don’t want to talk about theories or pillars. I want to know what you feel for me.”
I held her gaze. Her eyes implored me. What I felt for her was superfluous to this whole experiment. What I felt for her couldn’t be summed up adequately and saying anything more would only make our inevitable separation all the worse for both of us. I couldn’t tell her what I felt for her. I couldn’t break that last thread that held me together. We were going back to our separate lives after this. Better to not open Pandora’s box.
“Please, tell me how you feel.” Her swallow was audible even with the low hum of the moving car.
God, if only I could be the person she needed. I would love to be the person she deserved. She deserved a man who could be totally free around her and protect her and enrich her and lift her up. All I ever was around her was tense and on the edge of control.
“UT Professor Wins Historic Alumn Funding for Research.”
I was so close now. I had my plan and my path, and she had hers. Paths that were worlds apart. Why did it feel like my insides were tightening? Why did my mind, the one that was supposed to be rational, want me to yell out and tell her all the things I felt for her? I couldn’t.
“I feel that you are an amazing person. I admire you. I want you to know that you are capable of whatever you want. These last weeks have been a treasure to me.” God, even as I said the words it sounded like a bad break up. I didn’t want to sound like I was feeding her lines.
Her smile grew wider with every word. Her cheeks straining, her eyes glistening but she nodded. “Yeah, no. Thank you.” She nodded rapidly. Her dangling pearl earrings bobbed. “I guess you’ve been saying that from the beginning.”
“Yes. I was never trying to deceive you. Ever. I wanted to be honest through this whole process. I was worried about what this might do to you.”
“How’s that?” She let out a shaky breath.
“Well, living here and all that. And then going back to Green Valley. I knew it might be hard.” Why did I sound like such a tool? I shook my head. “I just mean, from the start. I always wanted to be clear about expectations.”
She nodded once. “That’s true. You did.”
