“Have I upset you? What aren’t you saying?”
She gave me another watery smile and sniffed. “No. It’s just that… I appreciate what you’re saying. That I can be myself. Thank you. You have made me feel okay to be myself.”
She looked out the window, straight ahead and not at me.
“You’re sure you’re okay? You still want to do this?”
She nodded stiffly. “Of course.” She turned and looked at me with a squeeze of my hand. “We’ve got this.”
But I had lost her. I had said the wrong thing. I couldn’t say what she needed to hear.
* * *
Suzie
I understood so much now. I understood the expression “hindsight is twenty-twenty.” I wish I could go back in time and shake myself and say “It doesn’t matter. He’s not worth it!”
I totally got it now. Everything I thought I felt for Jethro at the time felt so big but looking back, it was nothing. A hot and fast fling as hollow as a glass ornament and as easily broken. It felt nothing like this. You couldn’t help who you loved. Just look at my father, who still loved a woman who left almost twenty years ago. And once you loved someone nothing else mattered. That’s why love was scary and terrifying and stupid.
I didn’t know how I made it through the rest of that limo ride. I was in a freaking limo in a ball gown with free booze and I couldn’t even enjoy it. All I could think about was how stupid I’d been. How I’d let myself fall in love with a man who couldn’t feel the same about me. He said he respected me and that I was fine as I was but when tonight was over, he never wanted to see me again. A reminder of the endgame. I may be fine as I was but I still wasn’t enough for him. Never enough.
He admired me. What a load of shit. Headmiredme. I didn’t understand. It wasn’t like he’d only wanted to fuck me and leave me, he hadn't even done that. Did he think that low of me that I wasn’t even worth a fuck?
I closed my eyes against the pain.
My attempt to rally the familiar anger to help with the hurt, failed. My time with Ford had been special. He obviously did care enough about me. He just didn’t love me. He couldn’t love me. I had to accept that. I needed to remember that. I’d never felt like maybe there was something bigger than me in this world until Ford. And now I had to go back to the G-Spot and live my old life.
Ford squeezed my hand, breaking me from my rambling thoughts. When I looked at him smiling tentatively at me I knew I was right.
“I’m so glad you’re here with me,” he said.
Sometimes he said things that drove me crazy with confusion but now I understood. He was a good man. He wanted me to feel value and self-worth. He was showing me how a man should treat me. He had gifted me with self-respect. I was the fool that fell in love with a man that could never love someone like me.
“Me too.” The door opened. “Let’s go knock ‘em dead.”
He smiled and frowned with his face at the same time. Only Ford could pull off such a feat.
“Wowza,” I said and the driver who had helped me out of the back seat smiled.
The mansion was bigger than anything I’d ever seen in real life. It was the size of a hotel but looked like a ranch. A hundred giant windows were covered in perfectly aligned Christmas garland and lights, glowing from the party within. Every manicured hedge was wrapped in twinkling white lights. Ford emerged from the car behind me.
“Incredible,” he said.
The driver gave us a nod and said, “Enjoy,” before leaving with the line of cars to go wherever cars go while rich people party.
The inside was decorated in rustic white linens and pine boughs. A grand staircase by the entrance had pine garlands wrapped around the banisters that looked like they were made of real pine and not the plastic stuff. The air smelled of savory foods and cinnamon. Next to the stairs, some musicians played classical Christmas music. I’m sure my jaw hung open like the yokel I was.
“I’ve already counted four Christmas trees. Real ones.” He winked at me and my heart crashed against my chest.
It hit me that we'd never decorate a tree together. Because even though I loved Ford and I wanted to help him tonight, I was never going back to that house. His house. I couldn't. I was relieved that Gretchen had agreed to pack and store my things at her place. I wouldn't stay with her either. I wouldn't be able to see anybody from this brief vacation from my real life. Not for a while. I needed to get back to reality. The trailer park and G-Spot were where I belonged. What I was enough for.
I wanted to claw this high lace collar away so I could breathe.
Each room was more crowded than the last and the house never ended. Heads swiveled toward me as we moved forward. I smiled and nodded. My cheeks twitched from forcing a BS smile for so long. Stripping had taught me well. I wanted to be done with this farce. I wanted to leave and be gone. Feeling Ford next to me was too much. If only I could stop smelling him and aching for him, somehow stop my insides from collapsing in on themselves.
Ford succinctly explained his research and got several intrigued looks and compliments on his work as we worked the room meeting people. I smiled at him—real ones—to encourage him. I threw in my two cents from time to time as people asked about what I did. I said I was a student and research assistant. Not a single person called me out or challenged us. Seemed we’d passed the test so far. Yet, I’d never felt more dishonest in my life. It was like I was playacting or watching a movie. I was so far removed from myself.
We stopped in a doorway that led to the back of the house, away from the crowds. We were blocked from sight. Ford’s thumb rubbed the small area of skin exposed between my long gloves and capped sleeve.
