“What?”
“I quit my job. Got Funding. Lost Funding. Got different funding. Put on probation. Got different funding. Resigned. Ruined my professional reputation. Burned my bridges at UT. I’m pretty much screwed on all accounts.” I burped. “Don’t care.”
“I can’t wrap my mind around all this.”
“‘Former UT Professor Lost it All After Being a Dumbass’. How’s that for a headline?” I sat back on the couch scrubbing at my face. Putting it all out there at once had a decidedly sobering effect. “I lost it all. And I just can’t find it in me to care.”
“Obviously you do or you wouldn’t be reacting like this.”
“I have nothing.”
He sat down next to me, head back and staring at the ceiling. “That’s not true. It feels that way right now, but you know it’s not true.”
“I mean I could be in jail.” I looked up at him.
He raised an eyebrow at me. “Don’t say that.”
“That night when we got her. I thought I was going to murder him and go to jail. I was okay with it.”
Jack pursed his mouth at my words. “I’m sure.”
“I did. I wanted to kill him. If you could have seen—how he hurt her. I was okay with going to jail. Just to stop him forever.” My eyes were watering. “I don’t care about the other stuff. The research. The bullshit. Nothing else feels remotely important now. Which is insane, because what is the point of everything I’ve done these past years? I’m losing my mind and I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m rambling.”
“It’s okay. Get it out.”
“It all sucks. I miss her so much, it hurts. Here.” I rubbed the area of my chest where the pain never dulled. “When I first wake up, I’m okay. Then I remember everything. It’s like someone died. Part of me, I guess. I can’t tell her. She’s gone and hates me. I screwed up everything for a fucking career that I don’t give a shit about.”
“You’ll care again. You just need time. It’s important work. You do important work. Or you could—”
“Maybe I’ll just murder Occum and go to jail. Then I won’t have to worry about anything. My days will be planned for me.”
“Right. Because prison is a vacation.”
I held his gaze for a minute and looked away. “I shouldn’t joke about it.”
“You shouldn’t. But sometimes you have to. You’re not going to murder him,” Jack said. “Not without my help. And I think Gretchen wants in on it too.”
I huffed out a sound. Not quite a laugh. I was nowhere close to laughing. I didn’t know if I could ever laugh again. Suzie wasn’t here.
“I’m serious.” I held his gaze. “I’m going to go down there—”
“You can’t murder him. You aren’t a murderer. You aren’t the person you think you are in your head.” I felt his gaze on me as he spoke.
“I’ve done it before.” My voice was low.
“That was different. You were a kid. You were…”
“Defending someone I loved,” I finished for him.
“You were a kid.” His put a hand on my knee to stop it from shaking. “You’re not a murderer by nature. There’s a difference.”
I looked up into his eyes. “How do I fix this?”
“You need to talk to her.”
“Talk to her? She won’t look at me, she won’t be in the same room as me.”
“Then show her. She’s hurting. She’s not feeling like herself.”
