“I know. I know it’s not all about me. But I don’t know where to start.”
Silence filled the room as I stared down at my hands. Finally, I said, “The thing that sucks most is, when she first got here, she was so loud. She took up so much space and sound. She brought chaos. A tornado of strewn clothes, dirty dishes, and thumping music. I couldn’t wait for it to stop. I couldn’t wait to go back to the way things were.” I let out a long breath. “And now the house is big and cold. And quiet.”
“It’s weird. Empty.”
“The light went out of here. I’d do anything to get it back. What I wouldn’t give to hear her call me a nerd again.”
“She did love to hate you.” He sighed. “I miss her too.”
“I’ve grown so used to having her around. I don’t know how I can live without her.” I sighed. “I’m in love with her,” I said. My voice was filled with awe because I said it. I admitted it out loud and the world didn’t end. That’s because it already had.
“And?”
I frowned at him.
“You’ve loved her as long as she’s been here. The first night you got all weird about me and her hanging out I could see it all over you. There were feelings. I just don’t understand why you’ve been so reticent to tell her. Or yourself.”
I stared at my hands. “Because I’m not in control. I would have murdered him. If I didn’t have to get her out of there so quickly, I would have. And before that, Buffount, and before that, those fucking rapists. Suzie makes me out of control. It’s not safe or fair for her to be with someone like me.”
Jack let out an annoyed sigh and my head snapped up.
“Are you sighing at me?”
“Yes, I’m sighing at you. What the hell is wrong with you? Suzie is the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
“I didn’t say—”
“All this other stuff with work and Occum and all these excuses, they’re just that. You didn’t murder anybody so stop saying it. And you wouldn’t ever hurt Suzie in a million years. They’re excuses. There’s nothing wrong with caring about people. People are life. If something happened to me, would you just say, ‘Oh well, get back to work’?”
“No, of course not, but that isn’t the same. Suzie…she’s distracting and makes me…”
“She what? Makes you uncomfortable? Makes you feel? Good. You need someone to push you out of your comfort zone. You’re so stuck up your own ass you can’t even see light.”
“Please. Don’t sugarcoat it.”
He stood up. I almost tipped over trying to look all the way up at him.
His arms were crossed as he paced. “No, I’m pissed. Suzie’s my friend too, and my friend is gone.”
I’d never seen Jack like this. Never. It reminded me of myself when I came unhinged. I kept quiet as he continued to lay into me.
“I don’t get you. You were given a gift. A fucking gift. And you’re too afraid to see it for what it is.”
“I’m not afraid,” I defended.
“Then why not just admit how you feel to her?”
“Because I can’t let go.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’ll hurt her!” I yelled at him.
I had hurt her. She went to Occum without any thought for herself. I thought of her sacrifice to save her ex. How she danced to keep her dad safe. She did it all without thinking of herself. Because she didn’t think she deserved better. Because she thought that was her role in life.
“You’re being an idiot. Man, you’ve got to let go of that shit from your past.” Jack paced in front of the tree. “You know, we all have shit that we deal with. You think I’m just all good now? No, it fucking sucks. I still think about that old shit. That stuff before juvie. You didn’t know me then. I still have nightmares. But it doesn’t define me. Doesn’t make me a miserable person. I work every day to move on. And itiswork. Staying focused on where I am now and not wallowing in the past, is hard work. But you’ve got to, because that shit is toxic. You keep swallowing it down every day like medicine. Like you’re some hero for holding on to it. But it’s killing you. And admittedly, you have some fucked up shit in your past. But so do I. So does Suzie. Hell, so does Gretchen. It shaped who we are. It’s part of who we are.”
“I didn’t—”
