“I’m not done.” He held up a hand and I shut my mouth. “You’re always talking about labels and how damaging they can be and equal opportunities and making the most of life and yet you aren’t doing shit to prove it. All you do is talk and research and hold on to these convictions that you’re some crazy out of control motherfucker, but you don’t actually do anything or move forward. It’s like the harder you try to escape your past and prove you’re not the same person, the stronger you hold on to it.”
I blinked as he unloaded on me, trying to absorb his words and think of my own defense. Finally, I landed on, “I don’t want to hurt her.”
“How would loving somebody ever hurt them?”
“Because I can’t do it a little. If I let myself love Suzie, admit that to her, it would be all-consuming. There would be no moderation. I would suffocate her. My passion for her would overrun everything. I can hardly convey my thoughts to her now. If I let loose, I’d never get anywhere.” I thought of my parents. How they’d loved each other but it was a destructive, hurtful love that eventually destroyed them both.
“Oh, man that’s bullshit and you know it.”
“No.” I ground out. “It’s not.”
“Yes, it is. You’re just scared. You don’t think you’re enough for Suzie. And trust me. Right now, I don’t know that you are. You think because she's sharp as a damn tack and resilient as fuck and you are the boy from the broken home, that she won't have you. You’re too damn afraid to let her know how you feel and who you really are because you don’t think she’ll have you. That’s what this boils down to. You just don’t want to admit to her the things you’ve done because you think she’ll leave. Trying to protect her, my ass.”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
He slumped down onto the couch at the end like he ran out of steam. He turned to face me. “I thought you were just a grumpy fuck by nature. But now that I've seen you with her and know your potential, I can't go back. You can’t go back. You’re a changed man. You can’t go back to being Clifford. You’ll suffocate.”
I couldn’t speak because he was right. The months with Suzie were the few times in my life I felt truly alive.
“You’re a good man. I don’t know why you fight it and act like you aren’t. But Suzie deserves to know how you feel about her. Respect her enough to let her make an informed decision about what she wants.”
“What, just tell her I love her? It’s not that easy.”
“It’s exactly that easy. Just be brave enough to let go of this lie you’re living.” He snorted. “Or not living.” With that, he stood up and thumped up the stairs. “And hurry up because I miss her.”
Chapter 30
Suzie
It was easier this way. To be decided. To know for sure.
No more toying with emotions. I knew who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. I was Suzie Samuels, stripper for the G-Spot and now prostitute for the Black Demons. Or at least whenever they found me, I would be. Hiding out at Gretchen's was like waiting in purgatory. Every day I waited for the rumble of bikes to come and take me to where I belonged.
Hooker. Slut. Whore. The words flash through my memory as painful as the day Occum spat them at me. I had been staring at a water stain on the ceiling that looked like a bunny when Gretchen stomped into the room. I didn’t move. I was too numb to be surprised.
“Okay, get up,” she said.
“Go away.”
She threw a pillow at my head. “Girl, it reeks in here. When did you last shower?”
“Go away.” I left the pillow where it landed and used my arm to secure it over my ear.
“Nope. I’m done. A week is more than enough time to wallow. This is shameful,” Gretchen said.
“I know. This place is trash. I’m trash.” I lifted the pillow to yell. “Go away.”
"Not this room, your attitude," said another voice from the door.
I lifted the pillow enough to see Blithe and Roxy waving from the corner.
I sat up. I was dressed in an old hoodie and laundry day underwear that went up to my bellybutton. I tucked my hair off my face into the hood. Or at least what was left of it—a few long, greasy strands on top.
“What’re you guys doing here?”
“We heard you’re having a hard time. We came with reinforcements,” Roxy’s peppy voice said.
“Like what?” I sounded wary.
