“Ford?” Her hand squeezed my forearm as she came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs so she was in front of me, almost face-to-face. “Hey? Look at me.”
“I’m ready to go.” I tried very hard not to, but her eyes were magnetic.
She rubbed her hands up and down her exposed arms. “Just wait a minute. Can I explain something?”
“I don’t care.” I shrugged like a petulant child. In my defense, I never had the chance when I was young.
“Oh Lord, you’re too much sometimes.” She tugged at my arm again until I looked at her. “You have to understand. Jethro was my first.” She blushed and looked away. “I was in love with him. I assumed we’d end up getting hitched and having some kids. That’s what you do around here.”
I didn’t want to hear this. At all.
“When we met, we had fun. We were suited, I thought. And sure, I was young and a little wild, but I was always his, even though we broke up and fought all the time.” She stopped for a second when her words became a little strangled. “We got together when we were kids. I figured he just needed to sow some wild oats and eventually he’d get around to asking me to marry him.
“I didn’t know that the whole time he was just stringing me along. I was one of many, turns out. I did things to keep him around. Things I’m not proud of. I’m not a good person.” She looked lost in her thoughts for a second and shook her head. “It wasn’t his fault. I made the choices. But he’s changed now. He changed for her.”
My ire faded. I stood up and stepped down so we could remain on the same level. I removed my tuxedo jacket and wrapped it around her shivering shoulders. She held it tight.
“I thought that maybe, I dunno, if people saw me like this, all fancy, and with someone like you, they’d tell him about it.”
I wasn’t sure how to take that.
She quickly amended, “I could be Suzie Samuels again, not Short Fuse Suze. Not ‘that stripper who burned Jethro’s motorcycle.’ Someone bigger than this place. Someone smart.” Her throat caught on that word for some reason. “Then maybe people’d realize that I’m a serious person too. I’m not just a good time.”
“Suzie.”
“I know what people say about me. All my life they have. I’m gorgeous but nothing going on upstairs. Down for a good time but not good enough to meet mama.” Her nose wiggled back and forth like she was trying to stop tears. “I just don’t understand why nobody ever thinks I’m good enough. I don’t know where everything went wrong. It’s like they look at me and only see…” She didn’t let herself finish.
My heart thrummed loudly in my chest. I thought she must be able to hear it. Anger bubbled up in me, it boiled over the words I tried to comfort her with. It wasn’t her fault. She was labeled early on, and from there on she had no choice. I understood how it worked.
“I just thought he was my person, you know? Even if the rest of the world thought I was trash at least I had my man.” Her chin wobbled and my control was barely tethered. “But I was wrong. I was so wrong. He never thought of me as anything at all. Despite what everybody has told me my whole life…” She hiccupped. “I never felt stupid until the day I realized I was nothing to him.”
That confession broke her. She took off her mask and tossed it aside. Her face fell into her hands and her shoulders shook. My arms brought her to me before my brain could convince me not to. I couldn’t talk but I could hold her. I could hold her like I always wished I could be held. She grasped the coat tightly around herself but she shook into my arms. I got the impression this was the first time she talked about something that she obviously dwelled on. She nuzzled as close to me as she could.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled into my shirt.
“Shh. No. Why are you sorry?”
My heart was beating so hard my chest rose and fell, essentially rocking her.
“I know you hate displays of emotion.” She sniffled a laugh and looked up at me.
I smiled down at her. I dug out my handkerchief from the jacket she now wore. “You really are making a scene.” I softened the tease by wiping away a tear that ran down her face. Her black makeup was a mess but she never looked more beautiful to me.
She laughed and took a deep, steadying breath before she stepped back to wipe away her ruined makeup. “Man, that must’ve been building up for a long time. Sorry. I think all the dancing and memories here, it just unlocked something.”
To both of our surprises, I gripped her closer and squeezed her until she relaxed back into my arms. “Don’t apologize for feeling things freely. Just because I’m bad at it, doesn’t mean I don’t envy it.”
She sniffled and looked up at me. She shook her head and frowned. “Your issue is not that you don’t feel, Ford. Your issue is that you feel too much.” She smiled and put her head back on my racing heart.
I froze at her words. Despite my best effort to hide everything, she’d seen right through me. She saw everything. All my control was pointless.
I held her an appropriate amount of time to hide my existential crisis. “I’m going to go to the restroom, then we’ll get going.”
“Okay.” She smiled at me and I fought to keep from sprinting for the door.
Why did she look at me like that? One second she couldn’t see the truth about my feelings at all, and the next she saw everything. I turned and left her standing on the stairs of the community center as I ran away from my feelings. I left everything I felt on those steps. By the time I came back, I would be in control again.
Chapter 18
