He nodded and headed for the door, he stopped to kiss her temple on the way out. “I’m here for you. If you need anything, I’ll be right outside.”
By the time he was out of the room my joints hurt from the rigid tension my whole body held.
“If you are going to break it to me gently, don’t bother. Just do it. I’ll find another cellist.”
I shouldn’t have said that. It was a stupid thing to say, but I couldn’t let her see how deeply she’d cut me. How much she’d hurt me. That was her song. That was my soul on paper again for her and she wouldn’t accept it.
She stepped closer. She grabbed my hands.
“Things are happening too fast. I never would have … with you if … Roddy and I are just friends.”
“But you’re leaving with him, aren’t you?” I pulled my hand away. “You’re taking his little tour and you’re going to do whatever he says.”
“Tell me to stay.” She grabbed me tighter, with both hands. “Give me a reason. I cannot destroy someone else’s life. I need to know why you wanted me this whole time.”
She held my gaze, imploring. I knew what she needed to hear. My chest seized. The words wouldn’t come. Hadn’t I been transparent this whole time? Hadn’t she always seen the core of me? I’d shown her my love in the lessons. In the music. I could tell her everything. I could tell her the truth of my love for her, but then what? It would still be me choosing for her. She needed to make a choice about her own life. I wouldn’t be another person telling her what to do. I wouldn’t hamper her growth. I loved her too much.
I memorized her face as I spoke, knowing it would be one of the last times I ever saw it this close. “You want somebody to tell you exactly what you want and need so that if anything ever goes wrong, it’s not your fault. I would never make it that easy on you and you know that. Everything you feel in your heart, everything you know to be true, you’re willing to ignore just because you don’t want to make the wrong choice.” As I said the words, the world faded out of focus around me.
This would be last time I held her hand. I knew it as sure as I knew anything. She closed her eyes and a tear dropped onto our clasped hands.
“You don’t want to have to choose. You want someone to make the choices. You think because you can argue about big ideas and theories, that you are assertive and know what you want, but I have never seen somebody who knows less about themselves.”
She looked up, her beautiful eyes glistening. “You’re right then, I guess.”
My fingertips went numb.
“You think he’s offering you security, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s taking away any chance you had to find yourself again.”
She shook her head slowly. “It’s never been about me.” Her voice was soft as she spoke. She still wouldn’t look at me. “It’s always been about you proving something. About showing the world they were wrong about you.”
Her accusation unnerved me. Rage built up inside me. She had no clue how people took and took and only wanted to be in your life for what you could provide to them.
“You have no idea how it feels to be me. Even you. You changed when you saw my face. I never know if you are Kim or Christine. If you want Devlin for his talent or Erik Jones because of some childhood crush.”
She cringed. “It has never been about your fame. You can’t see that. Your soul just sees darkness and corruption. You’re pushing me away before you even give it a chance.”
“You chose him,” I spat. “You chose him and the tour over your commitments to me.”
“This was never about me,” she said almost to herself. “You told me once that my past was a lesson and not a life sentence. You should have been talking to yourself. If anybody is in the prison of the past, it’s you. You’re missing everything because you hold onto anger so tightly.”
I covered my ears with my hands. She lied. I couldn’t take another word. “Just leave. Go with him. Let yourself forget all that we shared. How you tapped into the truest part of yourself for the music. Forget you were ever here. Forget you ever saw the real me.”
With that, I left the room. There was nothing else to say. The choice was made.
Chapter 35
Without the love, music has no point.
DEVLIN
“Let’s get this over with.” I slammed the door into Andy-Dick’s office.
As soon as this was finished, I was going home. She’d taken everything from me. She’d taken my music and my pride. I’d given her everything.
“Ah, Maestro. Have a seat,” Andy said.
“Just fire me. I’m not sitting down for that,” I said.
