It wasn’t an easy life. I worked nonstop. The distraction helped push aside the constant ache in my heart. The countryside blurred into hotel rooms and stages. I was grateful though, and thanked the venues and the fans. Many people dreamed of this life. And Roddy, bless his heart, he took care of everything. The fans grew with every show. It was all happening very fast, but he wasn’t surprised.
“That’s how it happens nowadays. That’s why you have to keep up with it. You’re doing great,” he’d said.
A few times he’d tried to kiss me. I told him I wasn’t interested in him that way. I made it clear before ever leaving on tour, we’d be in separate rooms and I was not his girlfriend. I was a business partner. His only response was that he was happy to go slow. He’d wait for me. The truth was, I felt nothing. This was how I felt before Devlin. Before he turned up in my life and turned everything upside down. Now, every sporadic memory of happiness was linked with a man I fought to forget.
I missed my parents and their weird ways. I missed my girls in the SWS and Erin. I missed swimming. I even missed the symphony. I didn’t miss Carla—I wasn’t that out of it. I felt myself getting stir-crazy even with all the moving around we were doing. It was the same routine even if it was different every two or three days.
We were at a hotel in—I wasn’t even sure what city we were in. I was tired already. I loved playing and meeting people, but this was draining. I was set to go on stage again in another hour for the last show of this tour. I was too tired to even lift my head from my bed.
“Knock, knock,” Roddy said as he peeked in his head through our shared door. Hadn’t that been locked? “Hope you’re decent.”
I waved from the bed. “Hey.”
“What are you doing? We gotta get going soon.” His gaze moved over my prone form. “Your hair isn’t done.”
“I thought I could put it up tonight. I keep pulling it when I play.”
“Oh, that’s frustrating. Man, I totally understand why you’d want it up. But—” He made this face like he was going for pained? Concerned? “But you have your brand now. When you’re a household name, we can play around with your style, but for now we have to keep a real consistent look. Plus, it looks so beautiful when it’s down and flowing.”
I sat up and dragged my feet to the bathroom. I began the hour-long routine of doing my hair. Roddy stood in the doorway, smiling as he leaned against the frame.
“What?” I asked.
He was watching me in the mirror as I pinned up different sections of hair. “You’re just so beautiful.”
I smiled back, but my reflection showed it didn’t reach my eyes. “Thank you.”
He said it a lot, especially, and almost pointedly, more often when I was done up.
Every time he did, it spurred the image of me tired and undone with Devlin smiling down at me. Had Devlin ever told me I was beautiful? I couldn’t recall. And yet I’d never felt more beautiful than I had when he smiled at me with soft eyes, or fire in them as I stretched over him. That was when I’d felt most perfect.
My stomach soured and I pushed the thoughts away. Over these last few weeks there were so many times my mind pulled up memories from our brief time together. Each time, I examined the scene in a different light. I forced myself to see it through the lens of reality, not the rosy hue of sentimentality. I knew that I was a muse. He would offer me no more.
Roddy stayed in the room while I got ready. I felt like I was being checked up on. I got dressed and suddenly felt like I couldn’t take a moment more of this life. I knew I should be grateful but …
I couldn’t do this. I shook with the nerves that came with voicing my opinion. My outfit was tight and revealing. My breasts were pushed up and my hair was long and loose around my shoulders. My eyelashes were as fake as all the makeup covering my face. Who was this person? Could I just go home and curl up in a ball?
“I don’t think I can do this,” I said to Roddy. My voice must have sounded as panicked as I felt because he immediately came to my side.
“Hey, hey. What’s wrong?” He brushed my cheeks. “Don’t cry. You’ll ruin your pretty face.”
“I can’t do this. This isn’t—” Panic crushed in on me all at once.
This wasn’t what? The words were so close to the surface.
“I don’t want this life. After this tour is done, after tonight’s show, I’m going home.” I said on a rush. I couldn’t believe it. I said it and I knew it. I knew in that moment that while this was a wonderful life and so many people would be happy to have it, it wasn’t what I wanted.
Roddy wrapped his arms tight around me. “No, shh. You’re tired. It’s too much too soon.”
“No, I don’t want—”
“Listen. You need to relax. I put too much on you too soon. Try this.”
Out of his pocket, he pulled a small, unmarked prescription bottle. My heart raced at the sight of it.
“What is that?” I asked.
“It’s all natural. An herbal supplement. My doctor told me about it when I wasn’t sleeping. It’ll calm your nerves.”
