“I did what needed to be done. Just like I always have. Since camp. Yet you refuse to see the better man. The man right in front of you. I’m a man of action. That was what you wanted. You wanted me to take the lead. Do you know how much work all this took? And now what? You’re backing out because of some notes?”
“Roddy, please.” My heart beat so erratically, I thought I might slide into a panic attack.
He didn’t stop. “I tried to protect you. I tried to put the past away. But you have to keep bringing it up, don’t you? You think I don’t remember what happened with Ariana at camp? I haven’t forgotten what you made me do. Don’t pretend you aren’t just like me.”
My entire body went icy. I closed my eyes against the accusation. Everything he said was my deepest fear.
“No,” my voice was a whisper.
“You’re exactly like me. You do what it takes to be the best.”
I thought of what Devlin told me. I had the potential to be better. I could give back now. I could stop living in fear and I would be better.
“No!” I yelled out. I balled my fists against my knees. I glared at his profile. “I’m not like you. I don’t want to hurt people.”
He shot a look to me. “You’re hurting me. I set this all up for you, but you don’t like it so you’re quitting.”
I lifted my chin. “I finished the tour. I never signed on for anything more.”
“Christine, please.” He pulled onto the shoulder of the road and put the car in park. Immediately he grabbed my hands. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? We are a good team.” He took a deep breath and laughed a smile back into place. “Let’s just calm down. Trust me, you need this tour more than I do.”
“Do I?” He had been pushing it from the first day. What exactly did he benefit?
“Where will you go?” he asked. “What will you do?”
“I’m not sure. But I’ll figure it out.Iwill decide.”
“You need someone to take care of you.” He squeezed my hand in his clammy one. “I will always take care of you.”
I pulled my hand free. Lightness I hadn’t felt in years filled me.
“I can take care of myself.”
Chapter 37
First of all, I’ve been a fool.
DEVLIN
If people had thought I’d go around moping or pitying myself they were damned wrong. I left the auditorium after the Fourth of July concert, I went home, and I continued on with my life as a composer. Cut my losses and moved on. I didn’t need the SOOK. I certainly wasn’t about to go crawling back to them. I didn’t need Kim. She’d chosen Chagny.
I was fine.
But …
Being home, seeing all the places I’d shared with her … I couldn’t always muster the anger. I remembered everything about her; the gut-cramping laughter when she’d scared the crap out of me and then laughed at me for my perfectly legitimate response. In the bathroom, the way her eyes had burned with lust when she found me naked. I remembered her devotion to the music, to me, and I couldn’t think anymore. Nights were the worst. I didn’t sleep. I smelled her, tasted her, felt her, longed for her as though she was still a possibility. I thought of all the times she’d been so close and I didn’t just tell her my feelings. I should have held her more. I should have put it all out there. It was like feeling deathbed-sick and cursing myself for all the times I took my health for granted.
No matter how I lied to myself, her absence was a physical, constant ache.
No texts. No calls.
No notes.
I was lonely. The further from that last night I got, the more ashamed I grew. I hadn’t handled things very well. My shame kept me in solitude. It took almost two months until Wes managed to guilt me into another family dinner.
“We know you aren’t working. It’s all over the news that you were fired again. We’re all coming over tonight. Make sure you’re dressed.”
They arrived at their usual time. Rose and Ellie wore matching Wonder Woman dresses and hugged each of my legs.
