“Yeah.” He nodded like it was obvious. “We were kids. I wasn’t some brilliant actor. Why do you think I do so much now? It’s like … like I need to prove that I’m something outside of Adam Abbott.”
I rubbed at my clenched jaw. “I never knew that. You seemed so sure of who you are since we wrapped.”
He shook his head. “Nah, mate. I struggle too.”
“We all do,” Emma said. She didn’t mention her philanthropy, but I always suspected that was her way of making up for fame she didn’t feel she deserved. “You know, when I was talking to Kate, she mentioned that what happened to us was a form of trauma. I never thought about it that way. I thought it was this thing I had to be forever grateful for. But it really was so hard on me. On all of us. We were kids, thrust into levels of fame that adults crack under.”
“Maybe we should have talked about it more,” Harrison said with a laugh.
I nodded, still a little in disbelief.
Emma said, “But, Charlie, you have worked hard. You started acting when you were so young.”
“We were children and we were working a full-time job and going to school,” Harrison said.
“It’s a miracle we all managed to reach thirty, really,” Emma said, trying for a joke.
“You two did. I drank through most of my twenties. I don’t even remember most of my so-called best years,” I said.
“The best years? Hardly. You’re in the best shape of your life and your twenties are a shit show for everybody,” he said.
“I embarrassed you. You were my two pillars in life and I was an embarrassment to you.” I glared at my clasped hands. “I know I apologized during the program but it kills me that I ever hurt you.”
“You never embarrassed us. We loved you and were concerned for you,” Emma said.
“Never, mate,” Harrison agreed.
“Then you worked to get sober, don’t forget,” Emma said. “Very few people can say that they’ve worked as hard as you. You worked hard at creating a refuge away from the fake Hollywood scene.” Emma gestured to the Vicarage. “To be authentic. That’s what this place is. And now you’re fixing it up too.”
My jaw unclenched.
“And even if all that wasn’t true.” Emma grabbed my hand. “What your output is, what you produce? It doesn’t mean anything at the end of the day. It doesn’t prove anything. It doesn’t make you more worthy or less worthy of her love.”
I looked at her. “You practice what you preach, Em?”
“Don’t do that. Don’t deflect and be a prick to me because you know I’m getting to something here.”
Shame burned up my neck. “I’m sorry,” I said.
“She’s just saying, all you have to be for her isyou. That’s all you have ever needed to be,” Harrison said. “That’s all she wanted from you. These last two years showed that. You fell for her and she for you, over your letters alone. It’s pretty powerful if you think about it that way. If ever you needed proof that you were more than the sum of your production, just look at that.”
Could it be that easy? It felt like cheating. Like I couldn’t possibly be worthy of Kate with such a meager existence.
“So long as you don’t bugger it up with trying to control every situation,” Emma said. “You have to trust her and yourself if you’re going to be partners.”
“You are a catch,” Agata said, and we all looked up at her. Once again, I hadn’t even heard her arrival. Even Harrison seemed startled by her sudden appearance. “Big house. Big muscles. You just like your little chickies. Scared.”
Harrison and Emma looked at me and then each other. Then we all broke out in laughter.
“I am a chicken,” I sighed and sat back.
Harrison shrugged. “To be fair, being famous is shit sometimes. It is hard to know who cares and who is using you. But you know that’s not her. You know that’s not who she is. You’re afraid to be found lacking. Have faith in her. Trust her. Maybe she has only ever needed someone who believed in her too. And you left her because you didn’t think she could handle you. Give the woman more credit than that.”
“Fuck,” I said.
“Head in his dupa,” Agata said with a smack of her towel against her hand.
“Indeed,” Emma nodded.
