Also, I should have sent this weeks ago when we first reconnected, but I was waiting to tell you in person. Since it seems that may not be happening, I can no longer wait.
Please find attached every unsent email I ever wrote you. Time stamped and dated. This might help you understand the poor choices I have made in the past.
I was so afraid I’d never be enough for you.
Now, I’m afraid of never talking to you again.
Yours forever,
Charlie
45
Charlie
I steppedout of the limo to an explosion of flashing lights and yelling. I gave my best Hollywood smile, despite the lingering sting of Kate’s rejection. As I helped Emma out of the limo, the crowd went even wilder.
“Are you two dating again?”
“Whatever happened to Kate? Do you still talk?”
“Emma, how are you feeling about the divorce of Wesley Cole?”
A hundred questions were tossed at us, but I slipped on a casual smirk and waved as best I could without being blinded.
“Feels like the old days, huh?” she said as we situated the train of her dress.
“Yep,” I said as I kissed her cheek … just to rile them up.
“Hey, what about me?” Harrison asked as he stepped out of the car to join us.
“You need help with your dress?” I asked him. “Or need a kiss?”
“Double standards,” he grumbled as he linked his arm through Emma’s. I took her other arm.
“Here goes nothing,” I said as we walked down the red carpet.
Eventually, we were separated to answer questions from various news outlets as we made our way toward the entrance of the TCL Chinese Theatre.
My nerves were settled. I was content in knowing that no matter what happened today, I couldn’t screw up enough to lose the friendship of the two people closest to me. I knew that my entire identity was not wrapped up in TF. There was a freedom I had not expected to feel. My value was not defined by the character of Freddy Finks or TF, but it still held a huge place in my heart. And that was okay.
As I looked out into the screaming crowds and waved, as I thought of the fan mail I continued to still receive, I was content in knowing that this show meant so much to so many people. I was lucky to have been a part of it. I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
Almost nothing.
Despite my best intentions, my head was on a swivel looking for Kate as I answered various reporter questions. I’d checked my email in the car on the way here. She’d still not responded. It wasn’t like her, but I couldn’t blame her. The two times she asked to see me face-to-face I didn’t answer. I had so much making up to do. If it took another two years of emails, I would do it. If it took a lifetime of emails, I would eagerly take that challenge.
I braced myself for the next interview, one hand in my pocket and posed with my signature half smirk.
A pretty brunette thrust a microphone in my face. “Charlie! This is Nikki from StarzTV. Tell me, how was filming the anniversary special? Good to be back with the cast and crew?”
I loosened my shoulders and smiled. “It was an amazing experience. I’m lucky to be back in LA where it all started.”
Her jaw dropped momentarily before she smoothly went on to the next question.
I spoke to my therapist about everything that Emma and Harrison had talked about when we last met. The anger. The feelings of insecurity and loss of identity. So many knots of tension that had been tying me down for so long, I didn’t even know were there. There was no reason to be angry anymore. I could talk about how important TF was to me without feeling like a failure, without worrying that I hadn’t deserved any of it.
I didn’t have to hide anymore.
