Lots of love,
Kate
* * *
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: I’m here
Kate,
I fucked up. I fucked up big time. I’m a bloody fucking idiot. I’m sorry it’s been almost two weeks since you heard from me, but the funeral took more out of me than I thought. I made the stupid fucking mistake of taking some pills to help me get through the flight. Then some more pills to get me through the funeral. Then some more pills to get me through every moment of every day away from my house. Because I’m a bloody pathetic loser.
I didn’t drink alcohol, but technically my sobriety has been restarted. I confessed to my sponsor that I was using again and that I needed help to stop. He told me it was normal, it happens all the time, and that he was proud of me for letting him know so quickly. Between him and the help of my two other best friends (besides you), I was able to get a handle on things pretty quickly. Even though I derailed everybody’s plans … Will I ever stop being the fuckup?
I’m humiliated. I feel weak and pathetic and wish I could just be like everybody else and not have to feel every fucking thing so deeply. And everybody is being so damn nice about it and that’s somehow making it worse.
I’ve been clean a week now. Seven fucking days. All those years down the drain. What a fucking waste.
I’m such a loser.
I can’t send this …
* * *
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: FUCKITY FUCK FUCK
Shit. Shit. Shit! I didn’t mean to send that last email. Shit. I’m sorry for unloading on you. By any chance you see this one first, please don’t read that last email.
Also, sorry for all the cursing.
RC
* * *
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: OH THANK GOD
Hey! It’s okay! It’s just me: your friend, dare I say, one of your best (I can because you said it first). I’m immensely relieved to hear from you. Nothing else matters. You emailed me back and that’s truly all I care about. Becauseyouare alive. Not that I was worried you decided to totally ghost me or literally were a ghost—too soon? Sorry. I’m a little giddy right now. I really need to stop making jokes about death in light of everything. I think your corrupt British humor is rubbing off on me.
Full disclosure: I read both emails. I was just so thrilled to hear from you, I didn’t have time to stop myself. I may have turned my ringer up the last two weeks just in case and read it as soon as I got the notification. NOT TO ADD TO YOUR GUILT.
Please don’t be ashamed to have shared your feelings with me. I’m honestly honored to be a person you trust. Except … I guess you didn’t mean to send it … do you often write emails you don’t send me (color me intrigued)?
But seriously, your sponsor is right. It’s normal. I’m sure you’ve seen others experience what you’re going through, and you didn’t think the worst of them. You’re battling a disease. You’re still strong, okay? You had to deal with a ton of stress and outside factors all at once. You were strong enough to recognize you had a problem. You were strong enough to ask for help. I amincrediblyproud of you.
Also, who the hell is the jerk who gave you pills?? What is wrong with people?
BUT if you’re tired of people being kind to you, I can try being mean. DAMN YOU FOR NOT LETTING ME KNOW YOU WERE OKAY SOONER.
