“It doesn’t matter,” I said.
I should have told Kate everything from the beginning. Now, it was too late. I’d waited too long. It was better this way. There was no chance for our relationship from the start. Things were best as they were with me safely tucked away in Devon and her with … well, so long as she was happy. That was all I could hope for.
Agata sighed and strolled away. Before she was out of the room, she pointed out the window. “Your cock is out again.” I stilled in horror before spotting Nugget. She added, “Go get him.”
“If only that I could,” I mumbled.
11
Three months ago
Kate
“Hello, Mom,”I said, pitching my voice to sound happy but not too excited.
Thank god my mother never insisted on monthly video chats. As it was, she was almost always traveling for work anyway, and a phone call was the most she could manage.
“Hi, darling. How’s things?” she asked, her keyboard clacking away as she spoke.
“All’s well here. You? Where are you today?” I asked, following our safe script.
“Prague. No. that was last week. Nuremberg,” she amended. The clattering increased in aggression. “Sorry, hang on.” She muttered about someone having their head so far up their ass they could see their own tonsils.
I winced. She sighed loudly. “Okay. Sorry. I’m all yours. How’s the guy—Peter?”
“Pete. Um, he’s good.” I glanced up from my window seat to look out into the living room where Pete sat sprawled on my couch.
Again. Lately, it felt like he was always here. Today he was watching some sports game that caused him to yell out from time to time. That, along with the blaring commercials, was stimulation overload. I quietly crept to the door and closed it, my ears relaxing in the quiet of my room. It was an adjustment having company so often. I was so used to being alone.
“Hmm,” my mother said. “Well, it’s the longest I’ve seen you in a relationship.”
That was a neutrally safe comment if I ever heard one. I needed to talk to somebody about this. I couldn’t exactly ask RC about it. The idea of me seeking relationship advice from him made me cringe. We didn’t talk about that. Plus, as far as I had deduced in the last almost two years, RC wasn’t close to anybody but Agata, and that was reluctant cohabitation at best.
“Pete is very sweet and kind. He’s exactly what anybody could want.” I was trying too hard to sell it. My mother brought that out in me, this compulsion to justify my actions. Like I wasn’t a grown adult.
Though truthfully, the more time I spent with Pete, the less I was sure about our relationship. It was like he’d been so eager to get to the comfortable stage of our relationship that the courting phase had been painfully brief. But, again, I had nothing to compare it to. Maybe this stifling feeling was typical. Was it normal to feel drained by your partner and not refueled by their presence? Logically, entering a serious relationship was the next step. Get a degree, a job, and finally, a partner. Wasn’t that what I should want?
My conversations with RC never felt forced or awkward. They flowed so easily, sometimes, we had multiple threads going at once. They were also only in email, and he lived in another country. It wasn’t even worth comparing the two. Why did my brain keep doing that?
“He sounds nice. Is something wrong?” she asked.
“No. Nothing. Things are moving along. He’s over a lot. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space. But him being around a lot is the next step, right? The natural progression of a relationship?”
Almost as soon as I asked, I knew it was a mistake. I’d be better off talking to Gail, but I still felt weird chatting about dating with my boss.
“I guess,” my mother said after a moment. “But if it were me, I’d cut and run. Life’s too short, darling.”
“Mom.”
“I’m serious. If you aren’t putting yourself first and he’s taking all the attention, it’s not worth it. If it feels like work, then move on. Relationships should be full of the fun stuff, not another job.”
There wasn’t a ton of “fun stuff” happening either, but I was most definitely not about to discuss that with my mother. Pete and I had been intimate a few times, and it had been … nice. He was sweet, but I wasn’t very sexual by nature.
Except in my fantasies.I pushed away the conflicting thoughts.
“But aren’t relationships about compromise?” I asked.
“No. That’s what men say to slowly grind out your spirit,” she answered swiftly. “Put yourself first. Nobody else will. If he doesn’t like it, he’s free to leave. That’s all I can offer,” she said.
