“Fame and fortune,” Harrison said. “Shite personal lives.”
“That’s us. Fortunate in life. Unlucky in love,” Emma said.
“To the Intrepid Trio,” I said and held up my drink.
“Not so intrepid lately. Aging trio, more like,” Emma said.
“Has-been trio,” I said.
“Speak for yourself,” Harrison feigned affront.
“To the loveless trio. At least we have each other,” Emma said.
“Always,” I said and flicked my gaze to my two best friends on the planet.
20
Charlie
She said love.
She clearly wrote. “Love, Kate.”
I’d reread her last email again before going to bed last night. And I signed with bloodyhugs and kisses.
I came to the studio earlier than needed the next morning because sleep was impossible. Partly because of jet lag but mostly because visions of Kate danced through my head. We’d never signed off like that before. The lines had always been clear. She had a boyfriend. We were friends. I knew so much about her. She knew everything about me. Everything real. Except for the small detail of who I was.
“Bloody fucking hell,” I swore, and the driver looked up at me in the rearview mirror.
“Sorry.” Held up my phone as a way of explanation.
I was overthinking it. The L-word hadn’t meant anything. She was exhausted. She was overwrought and had an exciting day. She had just signed off as she would with anyone. She probably throws around the “love” to everyone.
Good god, man. Get it together.
I rubbed at my temples. My eyes felt like sandpaper from lack of sleep, but the caffeine from this American coffee was giving me the shakes.
She’s mentioned a few times that she had a bad habit of building things up too much, but that was what I had done last night. I had imagined our first meeting so many times there was no way I could have acted in any appropriate manner that lived up to what I’d pictured in my mind. I should have told her the truth of who I was the first time we ever spoke. She wouldn’t have believed me, she would have never even responded to me, but maybe that would have been better than this.
Whateverthiswas. But even picturing Kate not part of my daily life cut me through with sharp panic.
I would make it up to her. If I saw her over the next few days of filming, I would just make polite conversation and rectify my rudeness. I would put a distance between us because the actor she saw me as was a stranger. It was image control so I wouldn’t wind up reading about what a rude prick I was on the internet later. Not that she would ever do that. I wasn’t worried about her ever selling any information about me to the press. She wasn’t like that.
I spent a lot of time thinking about how she might respond to the truth of who I was. I actually didn’t think she would be all that concerned about it after the initial shock. The media, on the other hand, would destroy her. They’d look into every detail of her life. Nothing would be kept private. They’d tear apart her stories, take the beauty of her storytelling and turn it into something lurid and dirty.
The driver got us through the lot gate and dropped me off at the studio. It wasn’t the same cluster of buildings that were used for TF back in the day, but when I walked in, my breath came out in a gasp.
It was the same set. The main mess hall of the ship where so many of our scenes were filmed over the years. I swallowed back the tightness squeezing my throat. I ran my hand over the tables. Were these the actual set pieces they had used during filming? Every detail was perfect, down to the uncomfortable metal chairs that made my arse go numb after long scenes. So many memories, pushed down over the years, bubbled to the surface instantly.
Overwhelmed with emotion, the shaking in my hands worsened.
Get a grip, get a grip.
I wanted to scream out and punch through the walls.This. This right here was exactly why I didn’t want to come back. Every time I thought enough time had passed, I was brought back to when my whole life lay ahead of me. The best and worst, and most emotional times of my life took place on these tiny fake sets. Before I ruined it all and made myself a laughingstock, all my major life events happened here. First time I drove, season five. First time I kissed a girl, season three.
I couldn’t take a deep breath in. I shouldn’t have come back. I didn’t want to feel any of this. I wanted to numb the overwhelming emotions.
I wanted a drink so bloody bad.
