31
Harrison
I stumbledaway from the kitchen window. The pain that gripped me was breathtaking.
The day had felt so perfect. I hadn’t felt this happy in so long. Maybe since the days ofTerraformative. I let myself imagine this as my life. I hadn’t overheard anything in Brooks and Frankie’s conversation that I hadn’t already known. This was temporary to her. I didn’t think things through. I had been trying so hard today to make her see how good things could be. Let her imagine a life when I really let myself hope, but she thought I was still pretending.
None of this was pretend for me. I had missed her so much all week. I was in love with her but had no idea what I was to her. I was a plaything. Cut to me in a month’s time, back to LA alone and worse than before because at least I hadn’t known love like I felt now. I wouldn’t survive this. I really didn’t think I could leave her and survive this.
My insides felt brittle. I was seconds from shattering.
“Okay, come here.” Emma was at my side, tugging me to a cove of trees away from the house and the party.
I hadn’t even seen her come up to me.
“What’s going on?” Charlie asked from next to her. I hadn’t noticed him either.
“I don’t know. He looks like he’s going to be sick.”
“Heya, mate, all good?” Charlie lowered his head to look at me.
I shook my head. I collapsed onto the base of a tree and dropped my head to my knees. My two best friends crouched beside me.
“What happened?” Emma asked.
“I heard her talking to her friend.” I shook my head, throat tight. All these weeks, I had been her lapdog. She’d call, and I’d come like a good little boy. I knew how to make her feel good, and she couldn’t get enough. “I thought … I thought I would be okay—”
I cut myself off, not even sure what I was trying to say.
“With what?” Emma rubbed circles on my back.
“Her—we—I thought just having her would be enough. I want more. I want everything and I’m a glorified sex toy to her,” I spat out. My anger grew.
“When did that start?” Charlie asked, then shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. What do you mean?”
I knew every gasp she made. I knew what every moan meant. I could do things to her. I would let her come back time and time again. I never fought it. I told myself she would eventually feel it too. How could she not? But she didn’t feel anything for me. She was always looking for the way out.
The worst part was I would still let her come to me. Even now, even admitting it out loud and knowing I would only ever be a joke to her, I still wouldn’t be able to fight her. I loved her too much. I would take any scraps I was given.
“She thinks I’m an idiot. Good for one thing,” I said, unable to look at them.
I felt the heavy silence of Charlie and Emma exchanging a look.
“I’m sure that’s not true. You’ve been here for months. She’s really come to rely on you, I can tell.” Emma spoke softly and gently.
“I thought that I would be okay with just giving her what she needed. But it’s not enough anymore.”
“You caught feelings,” Charlie said.
“No.” I slumped my head back against the tree. “They were always there. I just realized that she hasn’t caught them. It’s like this virus that’s eating me from the inside out, and I thought it would be contagious, but she’s totally unaffected.”
“So romantic,” Charlie said with a grimace.
“Okay, well, first,” Emma said. “Rule number one is never trust anything you overhear. Who knows how close she is to Brooks. Frankie’s a closed-off person, right? She doesn’t share much at all. She’s not about to gush about feelings with her bleeding heart on her sleeve. It took me years to get the truth out of Wesley. Not everybody was taught how to be free with their emotions. Trust what you feel when you are together.”
“She is just having a good time. Because that’s all I am and all I’ll ever be,” I growled, unable to absorb her advice.
“Harrison, that is not true. Nobody thinks that,” Emma said firmly.
