I chuckled but pulled her back to hold her.
This meant something. I had to ask her. I had to have hope.
To endure was human, and my heart wouldn’t give up on us yet.
* * *
Frankie
I let outanother long breath, trying to scrape up any remaining fragments of dignity. He caught me, and based on the grin that hadn’t left his face since he found me, I would never hear the end of this. I couldn’t even be mad, though. I had to eat crow. I deprived myself of pop culture significance to prove some point to myself and was wrong.
Harrison leaned back on his hands, legs sprawled in front of him. No hurry to leave the attic despite a long day and the even later hour. “What made you want to watch the show finally, after all these years?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I actually told myself this would be the worst time to start watching. Because of trying to finish this book. I didn’t want to be influenced by it. But it was like I couldn’t stop. I felt like an addict. Between this show and uh, putting extra towels in the pool house, I have seriously lacked some sleep. I made good progress while you were in LA.” I scratched my elbow.
I wanted to feel close to you. I wanted to understand you. I missed you.
“And did it live up to the hype?” he asked.
“I loved it.” I tossed out my hands, head shaking. “I get why the fan fiction for this world is so abundant. I never want to leave it. I loved that it was a little corny at first, and by the end …” My throat got tight again, but I physically could not cry anymore. I took a breath. I shifted focus. “Was it hard to be on the other side? Did you feel like you saw the sausage being made, and it took the magic out?” I asked.
He looked at the roof, eyes closed. “Not at all. It was harder, maybe. Because our lives were so intertwined with this world. The cast and crew were my home and family for all of adolescence. When it ended, it was like this defining moment, like I could pinpoint the exact moment my childhood ended.” He rubbed at his sternum with a frown. “I think that’s why I’m always happy to do any press, or reunions, or interviews for it. Maybe it’s a little silly to hold on to Adam so tightly. Hard to know where he ended and I began.”
“Not silly.” I squeezed his hand. “But you and Adam are so different, it’s interesting that you feel so intertwined. Not that I really know the others well, but of the trio, you’re the least like your character.”
“Because he’s so serious? So clever?” His face fell. The humor that had been there since he found me dissipated.
“Serious, maybe? That’s part of it.” I watched him closely, wondering if my attempt at a compliment was accidentally hurting him.
“Yep. I’m the good-time guy, the joke. He’s the leader. The one who gets shit done.” He leaned forward to start to stand, dusting off his hands.
I put a hand on his arm. He frowned at it. His sudden mood shift knocked me off balance. “What did I say?”
“Nothing I didn’t already know. That you think I’m a joke.”
I flinched. I shuffled for him, the wood panels hurting my knees through my pajamas. “I donotthink you are a joke.” I poured all my sincerity into the words. I wasn’t explaining myself well, and the angrier he got, the more I felt my tongue stick to the roof of my mouth. I placed my hands on his shoulders. He looked at them before bringing his soulful gaze back up to me. “Let me explain what I meant.”
“Okay.” He shifted again and pressed me back onto the comfortable pillow I’d been sitting on.
I took a moment to collect my thoughts as he studied me, face flat. “I meant that Adam was always so cold. Kept people at a distance, focused on the task.” If anything, I related to Adam the most of the characters, but I wasn’t about to admit that. I understood Adam’s fears. “You’re so warm and caring. You command a room like Adam, though, and everybody instantly listens to you and trusts your opinions on things. You are insanely attractive like Adam. Obviously.” I felt heat rising up my neck as I spoke, but I couldn’t stop until I saw the worry release from his crinkled forehead. “But you arenotan idiot. I don’t want to hear you talk like that again. What did you tell Collette when she called me Frowny Frankie? We don’t talk to each other like that in this house. Only kind words.
“I’ve watched you jump into the deep end here and handle it with aplomb. You are tender-hearted and charming. You are creative and passionate. You love and are loved easily in return. Do you know how rare that is?” I whispered. His nostrils flared, and his focus was searing me. His chest rose and fell faster with each declaration. “Adam was wonderful as a leader of the trio, but not like that.” I glanced away. “You are impossible not to love.” My throat closed. It was as close to a confession as I could bear.
“Frankie,” he said. He held my gaze and licked his lips. “I—” It moved around my face, and he was on the verge of something big. My heart kicked around my chest.
“I was almost a father,” he blurted.
I flinched back. Of all the things, I hadn’t expected that. “Wh-what?”
He brought up a knee and wrapped his arms around it. “It was leaked to the media at one point but my team swept it up quickly.”
“Brooks had mentioned something about that early on.” I took a steadying breath.
“Don’t look at me like that. It’s not true. Not exactly,” he said. “Contrary to the short-lived and false accusations, I never lived a crazy bachelor lifestyle, floating from one woman to the next, leaving babies in my trail. There was one woman who I was close to. She was …” He stopped himself from whatever he’d been about to say. Maybe to stop from giving too much personal information away. “Not an actress. But we did see each other a lot during shooting one of my films. We got really close.”
I nodded, and a burning sensation tingled up my neck. Nonsensical jealousy turned my stomach.
“A few months after we wrapped, we were, uh, still seeing each other. Never seriously. She never wanted any sort of commitment. She had been separated from her husband and didn’t want the press. I understood. Never put any pressure on it.” He rubbed the back of his neck and looked around the cleaned-up attic. “Anyway. She came to me and told me she was pregnant. I was thrilled. I naively thought she’d come to tell me in hopes of taking things to the next level. Like I said, I had always wanted to start a family. Even if she only wanted to co-parent and not be together, I was up for whatever. I feel like I have all this love to give, and nobody wants to receive it.”
