Did he really not see how beloved he was? Did he not see how we all rotated around him like planets around the sun? Same with Emma and Charlie. Same with the ravenous fans.
I sat perfectly still, waiting for him to continue. He cleared his throat. “This is … well, nobody knows this besides Emma and Charlie. But it’s—”
I put my hand on his. “Only tell me if you want.”
His jaw flexed, and he squinted. “I want to tell you.” He pulled me into his arms, positioning me between his legs, my back to his chest. “I started making plans. The excitement poured out of me. And she was just looking at me. She blinked and then started to laugh. She actually laughed,” he said, his voice tight. “She told me it wasn’t mine, but even if I was the father, she’d still go back to her husband. She said some people were meant to be fathers, and others were there for a good time. She told me I was pretty but dumb, and I could not raise a child.”
“What a terrible thing to say,” I whispered, my heart absolutely shattered for him. I could picture the way his eyes would have been lit with joy, unable to hide any emotion passing through him.
“She was right. I never did well in school. I always got in trouble with my teachers and later the set tutors for being flighty and not paying attention. I couldn’t finish any book. I told you how I have a hard time focusing. But I always knew that I wanted to be an actor, and the stuff they were teaching me never interested me. Until it did. I got roles, and I’d dive deep into researching them. I can’t stay focused. Only if I’m curious, then I’m so focused the rest of the world goes away. She knew I was too irresponsible to raise a child.”
“Oh, Harrison.” I held his arms close to mine and squeezed him tight. “That doesn’t make you stupid. Not even a little. She was wrong to say that.”
“She just came to tell me she was going back to her husband, and I completely projected an entire life on her. I thought I was finally going to be a father. But what sort of father would I be when I can’t even remember what I’m doing half the time?”
“She was wrong.” I twisted around, a leg on either side of his hips to grab his face. “Look at how wonderful you’ve been with Collette. So many times I’ve watched you play with Collette and been so envious of how easily you connect with her while still being able to guide her. It’s instinctual.”
He leaned into my palm and kissed it. “You know, it’s funny, when I first met Collette, one of the first thoughts I had was, ‘this was how old my daughter would be.’ I think Collette is always how I imagined this pretend daughter I never had. They are the same age.” His voice broke off.
I made a sound of pain. Inhaling felt like shards of glass. Poor, sweet Harrison. His bond with Collette made even more sense. I couldn’t even imagine how awful that pain would be. “I’ve felt my whole life that I’m stupid because of the things I struggle with, the fact that I have just the most basic education. I’ve spent my whole life acting, and that’s all I’m good for.”
“You are not stupid. You are wonderful, and I love the way your brain works.” I leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “You’re an incredible man, Harrison. Anybody who can’t see that is the real idiot.”
He grabbed both my hands and swallowed, studying my sternum. “It’s just that, I’ve projected a life onto a family that wasn’t mine before. It was one of the most painful things I’ve lived through. I don’t want to misunderstand a situation again.”
He lifted his eyes to hold my gaze. All at once, I understood why he’d shared this wound with me, what he was getting at. I wished never more than at that moment that I could take all his pain away, that I could make promises to heal him.
This was the terror I felt when Collette was hurt because of her mother, and there was nothing I could do. I wanted to take everything awful away and wrap her in happiness. Was this love? Was this being in love? Because if it was, then this was shitty. I hated it. How could I be able to love somebody so viscerally, with my whole being, and not be able to make everything right? That was supremely unfair.
But I couldn’t fix this for him. I couldn’t take this life and make it his. Collette wasn’t ours. This life wasn’t ours. We were house-sitting and role-playing.
And never has this reality been so unbearable. A taste of a perfect life that he couldn’t have and I could never provide.
I closed my eyes and dropped my forehead to his. “Harrison. I wish I could—”
His shoulders slumped forward. “I understand.”
“It’s not that I—” Not that I what? What did I want? What was it that Harrison meant to me? Could I pivot? Could I let go of all that scared me and planned for? It felt so easy, so simple right now with him in my arms. This was it. This made sense more than anything. “I can’t offer a life that isn’t mine,” I said.
He nodded against my forehead, eyes closed in pain. “I understand,” he repeated.
“I really wish—”
“It’s okay.”
“I hate seeing you hurting.” I kissed his lips. “I want to make you feel better.” I kissed his neck, inhaled his smell, and made myself memorize it.
I grabbed his hands and tugged him to stand. The house was dark and silent as I took him downstairs. He followed me hesitantly, never speaking, just a warm, constant presence all the way to my bedroom.
I shut the door behind me and leaned against it.
His throat worked a swallow as he watched me wearily. “This isn’t the pool house.”
I shook my head but moved to step in front of him. I reached for the hem of his T-shirt and lifted it over and off.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
I pressed a finger to his lips.
There was no doubt in my mind. Harrison in my bed. Inside me. Holding me. This was what made sense. This was the next right step. Harrison deserved to feel loved and be cherished. He was so free with his love. He too, deserved this solace. Maybe I couldn’t promise him the family he always dreamed of, but I could show him what he meant to me. Show him that despite everything, he’d found a way into my battered and abused heart.
