“But none of that was relevant to the point I was trying to make,” she said.
“The point being?” I asked, hesitantly.
“I was wrong,” she said simply. “I do need you here. We need you here,” she added when my eyebrows shot up. “I know this is a big ask, especially since … now with Joey leaving.” She lowered her voice even though Collette wouldn’t hear a train running through the house when she was asleep. “I don’t know what I’ll do about Collette yet … but even beforethat. I was lying there thinking about how crucial you’ve become in running this household. You don’t add too much to my plate. You make George happy and feel safe. You add stability to Collette’s life.”
I set down my mug with a frown. “I make things more difficult for you.”
“No,” she said sharply. “I wouldn’t have survived the last two weeks without you. The trial period is over, and I hope that you will stay.” She propped her fists on her hips, chin lifted, determined. “If you want. I think I just worried that if I counted on you and then you couldn’t handle it, it would be much harder to deal with everything. But you’ve stayed. Time and time again, when you could have left at any point, you have proven that you take this all seriously. There are so few people that I feel like I can rely on. But you are one of them.”
A warmth spread through me to know she felt that way. I had finally proven myself reliable to her. It was all I wanted, but I continued to frown at a spot on the floor. Now, I began to doubt my own abilities.
“I understand if I’m too late,” she said. “With everything I said before. But I was so wrong. You don’t make things harder. You’re not a child playing make believe. And I like the way your brain works. I like how you act with Collette. So you’re a little messy? We can see about getting the housekeeper to come more often if I’m really that uptight about it. But I’m understanding more than ever that a clean house doesn’t mean a happy life. Being here, laughter and presence and showing up. That matters so much more than a tidy kitchen. The being here is what is important.”
“I feel like I make things worse. That I’m stupid or a burden somehow.” I spoke honestly, humiliated. “It’s like every time I try, I make things worse.”
“None of that is true. And I am so sorry if I ever made you feel that way. I don’t know who said that to you but it simply isn’t true. Everything about who you are makes you a perfect fit to stay in this temporary pseudo family. Until the book is done. Until … I have a plan for Collette’s safety.” My heart clenched painfully at hearing those words. “I want you here. I know the others do too. If you’ll have us.”
I looked at her for a long moment. This may not be forever, but George often spoke of not wasting the time we had. I would help as long as I was needed in any capacity I was useful. Then, I would let them be free of me.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said.
She let out a long breath, shoulders rising and lowering with a long sigh. “Good.”
We stood close, smiling and hopeful. “Except,” she added, and I tensed. Her eyes flicked over my chest and shoulders again. They moved slowly and without bashfulness. “Maybe put on some clothes before Collette wakes up.”
