Harrison swallowed, eyes squinting. “He really is.”
“Some people just have that instinct for it, you know?”
“Yes and no. I think taking care of each other is human nature. Even if you don’t know what shows to let her watch, you would know how to keep her safe. You let her be herself and love her without trying to fit her into a box. The fact that you even worry is a pretty good sign.”
“Okay, well—” I flushed. “What about you?” It was harder to store his compliments about how I raised Collette. Those felt too heavy to sit on the shelves with the other light and shiny ones he gifted me.
“I don’t know that anybody would find me particularly suited to be a father.” A shadow moved over his features so fast, but he didn’t give me a chance to interrupt. “But I have always wanted kids.”
Whatever that look had been about, it was obvious he didn’t want to delve into it. We both avoided talk of our parenting skills. Probably because we both knew we were treading too close to a topic that would have to eventually be discussed. What would happen with Collette? How would we ever find the right home for her?
Instead, I smiled. “You’ve always wanted kids?”
“Loads of them. Just as many as safely possible.”
“Good luck to your poor wife.”
He smiled against the lip of his beer, taking another drink and staring at me after he swallowed. “You never saw yourself as a mother?”
“No. God no. I didn’t exactly have the best role model.”
When I didn’t elaborate, he said, “That doesn’t necessarily mean anything.”
I raised a skeptical eyebrow at him. “But then you met Joey, and you realized ‘oh, yes some things are genetic.’”
His jaw ground. “You’re not like her.”
“More than you know.” I shrugged my shoulder. “I’m just not a settling down person.”
He seemed surprised but didn’t comment. No time like the present to set the record straight.
“This was all meant to be temporary before I got back on the road. But I never meant for this layover to last so long. I just—I don’t want you to think that I’m using George.”
He leaned back, another look of surprise crossing his features. “I don’t think that.”
“But you did. At first.”
“Yeah, but that was a million years ago. Why would you think that?”
“Just with Joey and everything. It’s sort of in my blood. My mom left us. Joey left Collette. We aren’t the staying people.” I shouldn’t have said that. His features darkened.
“You keep saying that but I haven’t seen any evidence. You are still here.”
I bit my tongue. I was more like her than he could know. We were cut from the same moth-eaten, poorly woven cloth. He can’t understand how un-maternal this family was. The line of family trauma stopped here. I would get Collette a good home. I would make sure she had safety and stability. I wouldn’t let her pay for the sins of my sister or mother. Or me. Even if the thought of not seeing her every day caused a painful ache deep in my marrow.
I cleared my throat and risked another look. “I just want you to know that the plan was never for me to stay. This was all temporary. I would never leave like they did. I would never do that to Collette.” I swore it, and it was a truth I felt in my bones. “But I’m not staying at George’s when the work is done. I will find Collette a home with a real family.” Saying it out loud made my tongue feel sticky and heavy. It was what I’d been telling myself for months. It was thetruth.So why had it felt like a lie?
It was important that he understood the plan. It was the attraction I felt to him. I could actually feel it growing roots in me, those roots growing out of my feet and into the earth. If I didn’t set those boundaries, then I’d risk being planted here only to be ripped painfully apart when we left again.
“I guess we never really talked about the after.” He swallowed, and it was audible even in the loud bar.
“Yeah. I’m sure we will still see each other, but you have to get back to LA and your career, and I need to figure out what the hell I’m doing.” I laughed nervously, hearing the strain in my own ears.
I glanced around the bar, feeling awkward, grasping for a subject change. He had that subdued energy that he had the night I told him the arrangement wasn’t working. Not sad, exactly, just more like his brightness levels were brought way down.
I couldn’t stand doing that to him.
On stage, a group of women my age were having a great time blasting “Wannabe” by Spice Girls.
