“I understand that. But you are many awesome things. Plus, you are a drummer.” I mirrored the words Mari had said to me.
Cath sighed deeply.
“What is it that you want? If there were no people to disappoint or let down. Close your eyes and really think about it,” I said.
She did and sat quietly for a minute before tentatively saying, “I just want to feel free when I play again and not this weight of expectations on my shoulders.”
It was like she spoke the words I had thought a thousand times.
“People who really love and care about you are only disappointed when you aren’t true to yourself,” I said.
“I know. In theory.” She glared at her fisted hands. “My whole life, I’ve been loved and supported. Miss Mitchell and my parents have done everything for me. My friends and the other staff. I’m likeweirdlysupported.”
I snorted. “Damn loving community,” I said.
She grinned but pushed her arms out. “I’m serious. My parents have worked so hard and sacrificed so much. There’s no way I could ever pay them back.”
“Pay them back for what?”
“Even if I go to college, how will they afford it? By working and sacrificing more. If I ever get a good job, nothing will be enough to pay them back. At least if I toured, I would be able to help them, but then I’d never see them. It’s like...I’mtooloved. I almost wish I was just a weird little freak so then I would only have myself to let down.”
Cath’s worries were wise beyond her years. Sometimes, loving someone felt like pressure to be who they needed you to be. Did I do that with Mari? Did I try to be exactly what she needed all the time so I wouldn’t worry about her realizing that I was the burnout everybody thought I was? Just as I had for Vander and my mother? I felt this same pressure Cath did in my own way. My thoughts tumbled, but I stayed focused on Cath.
“I think,” I ventured, “that they didn’t do these things because they want tobe repaid. I think they did it because all parents want is for their kids to have what they didn’t.”
“That makes it so much worse,” she whined.
“But hey, hey.” I squeezed her shoulders. “Whether or not you go today, they will still love you. If you buy them a big fancy house with your future royalties or only ever play for people on the streets as a busker. The ultimate goal is that you’re happy playing.”
She shook her head. “That’s bull. Adults are always saying shit they don’t mean.”
I laughed. “I mean it.”
“Is that how you feel?” she asked me, finally meeting my gaze and holding it.
More thoughts of Mari twisted in me. Why hadn’t I pushed to clarify what our relationship was? Why did I feel like, at any second, she was going to look up and notice who I really was and decide to end things?
“This isn’t about me,” I said, voice tight.
“Convenient.”
“I have something to tell you,” I said, shifting gears.
“Okay?”
“I was going to give you Beatrice and the kids today. After your audition.”
Her mouth fell open. She looked behind her and back at me. Her mouth snapped shut, and she shook her head, fists at her temples. “This isn’t helping my feelings of pressure.”
I gently nudged her with a laugh. “Just wait, there’s a stipulation. I’ll only give them to you if you promise to take some time and think about what you want. Because they need, nay,deserveto be played out of love. I’ve neglected them too long, and after all they’ve been through, they need you to save them. But if you force it, then you can’t have them.
“Whether it’s in a band or in class, I don’t care. I don’t care if it’s only every once in a while as you work at Pizza Hut because you don’t want to build your whole life around drumming. I get that too. No choice is good or bad; it’s just what feels right at the moment. You can always change your mind. There isn’t a choice you could make that would ever make the people who love you stop caring about you. Not the real ones. That real love is precious, and you have it in droves because ofyou, not your talent.”
Her eyes filled again, but she nodded with determination.
She bit her lip. “You’re seriously giving me these?” she asked with a growing smile as she turned to look in the van behind us.
“Dead serious. But you have to think about what makes you happiest. What makes you feel most in your body. And remember that feeling anytime in the future when you have to make a choice. Everybody here, except maybe Pin Dick, wants what’s best for you and not for them. That’s literally the whole point of all of this. Somewhere along the way, the pressure got to us all. But it’s always about giving you the life that you want, Cath.” I finished my speech and stood. “You talk to them. Take your time. I can wait for whatever you decide.”
