It took all my willpower to step away and wait patiently. I was desperate to tell Mari about the situation but still wasn’t sure what the news would be. For several minutes, I thought about the advice I’d just given Cath and why it made the back of my neck burn with anxiety. Why had Mari shut down last night? Was she going to end things? Was this stuff with Cath really enough for us to break?
“Leo?” I spun on my heel.
Cath stood with her drumsticks in her hands. “I made my decision.”
“Want a drumroll?” I asked. I already started drumming the pattern in the air, making the sound.
She rolled her eyes.
“No, that’s aneyeroll, silly goose,” I said.
“Oh myGod, just stop. You’re an embarrassment to drummers everywhere.”
CHAPTER 33
MARI
Iarrived at the campus music hall alone. Many other nervous-looking students milled around with their equally stressed adults. The atmosphere was hushed and thick. Nails bitten. Legs shaking. This was the day so many of us had worked toward.
And here I was, alone and with no student. There was still time. Cath could still show up. Her parents could still show up. My gaze constantly looked for dark curly hair, a foot above the rest of the crowd, but found no familiar faces.
A woman with a clipboard and loudly clacking heels circled the room, checking students in before heading back behind an ominous door. Every time she came out and called a new name, a bolt of anxiety made my palms sweat.
I hadn’t heard from anybody. I called Leo to see if he’d heard from Cath or Vander, but he didn’t answer. I couldn’t say I blamed him. I’d acted in anger last night and pushed him away.
Clara told me to trust that people would show up, but standing here alone, the darkness in my heart started seeping outward and into my body.
I was too loud and angry and needy. I pushed too hard. I needed too much. And all I had done was push everybody away. Clara was right. I was so scared to ever be the one left alone that I tried to control every situation. I bulldozed my way through life, bending people to my will so I could never be taken by surprise.
I sat on a low wall, feeling lower than I had in years. Since my brothers couldn’t make my college graduation or the first time my parents’ plans to visit fell through. How could it not be about me? I was the common denominatorhere. Wouldn’t it be delusional to think that I was lovable when I kept ending up alone? I never gave them the choice. Even with Cath. I hadn’t even considered that college wasn’t what she wanted.
Nobody was coming. I wouldn’t be chosen. Not by Leo. Not by Cath. Nobody wanted me. I was alone.
Because I’d made sure of it.
“Mari,” Leo said.
I looked up to find him standing in front of me, looking down at me with his easy half-smile.
“You’re here.” I exhaled, jumping up to hug him without thinking.
Every part of my body felt lighter. I would be okay. Whatever happened next, I wasn’t alone.
His light chuckle shook me. “Sorry, I’m late,” he whispered.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” I squeezed him tighter, realizing my body was shaking.
“So is Cath,” he said.
It was then I noticed her standing a few feet away with her parents. She glanced up and headed our way.
I broke the hug and stepped back but grabbed Leo’s hand.
He was here. I hadn’t messed this up. He showed up time and time again. And I wasn’t going to let go. I was going to tell him how I felt and trust that I was enough to keep him around.
“Leo, I have so much I want to talk about.” I needed him to understand how scared I’d been. How alone and terrified.
He cupped my chin. “I want to hear it all. But Cath wants to talk to you first.”
