“I’m so sorry,” I said. I couldn’t say anything to change what had happened, but I could be here now.
I felt him shake his head. “I’m just ungrateful.”
“No, you’re not. I think sometimes wethinkwe want something, romanticize it so much, that when we get it, there’s no way it won’t disappoint. You had a bad moment. And unfortunately for you, it was caught and posted online. I’m trying to imagine a video montage of all the times I lost my cool. It is way worse than yours,” I said. “No matter what you say.”
His head was shaking, brow furrowed. “You’re so wonderful, Mari. So determined and sure of what you want. It’s inspiring. Drumming was my life for so long.” His voice shook. “Sometimes...sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore without it.” He wouldn’t meet my gaze.
I grabbed his face until he looked at me. “You are many wonderful things. You also happen to be a great drummer. It’s part of you, but it doesn’t define you.”
His gaze moved over my face. “I never understood why you wanted me to help Cath. I knew my reputation preceded me. Especially out here. You had to have seen the footage.”
I swallowed and looked up at him. A growing realization about Leo settled the anxiety in my bones, growing like a cold mist. I reimagined every interaction we’d shared since the beginning. His mom mentioned his sensitivity when she asked me to reach out to him. Now, it might feel like some sort of betrayal. He couldn’t understand his inherent value. Leo had lost his self-worth along with his band. If Leo found out this arrangement was all due to his mother’s suggestion, would it hurt him unnecessarily?
I chose my words carefully.
“I saw your skills. Cath idolized you. Devlin and your mom highly recommended you. I wanted to do what was best for Cath. There were so many reasons. And today proved that you brought out something in her that none of us could.”
He searched my eyes as I spoke, his shoulders relaxing as he nodded against my hands. “It did feel good hearing her play like that today. I wonder why she holds back so much,” he said.
“I’d wondered that too.”
We were silent for a few minutes as he watched our hands toying with each other.
“Okay, I’m just going to say one last thing, and I promise I’ll drop it,” I said eventually.
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” he said teasingly.
“Fair.” I poked him. “Sorry. I just...can’t stand people not talking about stuff. Vander should know all this stuff you told me about the anxiety and fame. I think, as someone who cares about you, that I would want to know.” He sighed, but in a dreamy way, when I admitted that I cared about him. Of course, I did. “It might not change what happened, but it might help you both at least start to restore your friendship. I think you miss him more than you want to admit.”
He nodded, mouth tight and eyes squinting. I put a hand on his cheek.
“It’s your decision. But it might help you.”
“Yeah. You might be right.”
I fell into his arms. God bless men who listen to women.
“But let’s circle back to you caring about me.”
I rolled my eyes as he stopped to kiss me before losing myself to him once again.
CHAPTER 25
LEO
Wrapped in my arms, Mari whispered secrets long into the night. A type of adolescent hope and hormones drove me, overpowering any desire to sleep or miss a moment. Her eyes shone with hope as she detailed her family’s possible visit over the holidays. Her throat grew tight and her eyes gleamed as she shared how when her brothers went off to college, she would sometimes stay in their room just to feel close to them. She talked about many lonely afternoons after school, and I wished I could have known her then, just to be a person she could count on.
“It never occurred to me that my parents would move after we all went off to college. I assumed we would be one of those families that all came together for the holidays to the same loud house I grew up in, filled with children running around and too much food.” Her voice cracked, and I held her tighter, brushing my lips against her temple. My heart ached for the hurt of young, lonely Mari, and I vowed she would never feel alone so long as she let me be around.
“I know all families are different, but did you ever want that?” she asked.
“Maybe. Sometimes I wondered about my birth family. But growing up, Janice and I were one of the most stable family units I knew. I thought we had the best arrangement because it would break the peace once too many people got involved. Only recently have I started to wonder if it was enough for Janice.”
IfIhad been enough for Janice. Breathing became difficult, and my palmsitched, so I changed the topic to Mari’s family. We drifted in and out of sleep until around midnight, when we decided we should probably leave. I drove her to her apartment. She dragged me upstairs and into her bed. She tucked herself into my open arms, and we slept until the alarm went off all too soon.
I woke up to her warmth and sleepy smile. It was enough to make me break out in song on Main Street.
The day continued like all the others had, except I got to be the first person she saw and shared her smile with. We went to Daisy’s as normal. It wasn’t weird or awkward. She was Mari, except now it was Mari with bonus hand-holding. And when we got to school, she leaned over and kissed me goodbye. Even if Pin Dick gave us the side-eye as he walked past, I couldn’t be bothered. I was floating on air, as the taste and smell of her lingered on my skin.
