“Exactly. But I have all this guilt for the way things ended. Maybe on some level, I came back here to try to fix some things.”
“You don’t have to worry about me, man. You can let yourself off the hook.”
“It’s not just that,” he said.
His gaze went cloudy as he looked into the distance, but he didn’t go on. More than once, Vander stayed with us after showing up in the middle of the night. He never let me know the extent of what was happening or tell Janice because our place was his safe space.
“The record isn’t going well?” I ventured.
“I’m just tired,” he said. And with that confession, the bags under his eyes seemed more pronounced, his shoulders hunched with weariness.
“Take a damn break,” I said, hating to see him like this. “You’ve been going nonstop for over ten years. You’re getting old. Your body and soul need to rest,” I suggested, and he narrowed his eyes. “I know a ton about gardening now if you’re looking for a new hobby.”
His pretend hurt melted into a grin as he admired the yard.
“Come back in the spring or summer and see it in all its glory.”
His head shot to me. “Really?”
I hadn’t thought about what the invitation would mean after all this time. It had just slipped out. Because I wanted it and meant it. “Green Valley would be a great place for a tour stop.”
He laughed. “The Burnouts and Mrs. McIntyre’s famous coleslaw. What’s not to love?” He let out a sigh and relaxed back. “Well, at this rate, we may never leave. This album seems to be cursed. I won’t go into the details, and our social media director has been doing her best to keep the fans at bay. I don’t suppose you’re following any of The Burnouts news?”
He looked up at me, and whatever he saw on my face confirmed that I wasdefinitely not. “Right. Understandable. But among a series of unfortunate events, now we are down a drummer.”
I stiffened. A sudden panic clawed at my throat. If he asked me to go back on the road, would I be able to tell him no? Just these few minutes of conversation had brought something back into my life I didn’t even know I’d been missing. Or, at the very least, was unwilling to admit. And I felt myself wanting to please him.
But then I pictured Mari and Cath and Janice and bunco and my garden and this town.
“I can’t go back,” I said flatly. I couldn’t do that to Mari or to Cath...but especially not to myself. I’d just started to build something like a life here. Mari would be proud that I said what I wanted at the moment.
“Fuck no, man!” I sat up at his exclamation. Clara made a sound across the street. He lowered his voice and leaned in to hold my gaze. “You think I would ask you after the conversation wejusthad? Listen, I know I’m an egotistical singer-songwriter, but I have changed some.”
“Sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be. We said our sorries. Let’s just, I dunno, promise to talk more?” he asked hopefully.
“Good plan.”
“And I wasn’t expecting you to tour or anything. Maybe just laying some tracks until our drummer is back. Or even Cath? It wouldn’t hurt for us to have some fresh blood in there. She was rad, man.”
“She’s not eighteen yet. But I can’t wait to tell her you said that and watch her freak out.”Maybe I shouldn’t tell her.
“Think about it,” he said. “We want to be done so we can go home to our families for Christmas. Or at least, that’s what everyone else will be doing.” He said it jokingly but didn’t meet my eyes.
“I’ll think about it. Slow gardening season after all. But, uh, if you’re still here for Christmas and stuff, Janice would have my head if I didn’t invite you for dinner. You know how she is.”
Vander’s eyes lit up. “Does she still make those little cheese-stuffed mushroom things?”
“She does. But I do most of the cooking now.”
His eyebrows shot up, impressed. “You always were a good cook.”
“Uh, thanks.” I scratched the back of my neck. “But yeah, just go ahead and assume you’re always welcome here. For any holiday,” I said, and inexplicably, my throat tightened.
I stood quickly. “I better go.” I thumbed toward the house.
At the same time, he stood and brushed his hands on his jeans. “I better get back to the studio.”
