“I have to go back there. I have to talk to her.” She was already starting for her car.
I held on to her elbow. “And tell her to do what?” I asked gently. “This is between her and the band. I’m sorry.”
She stared at me like she wasn’t seeing me. “Am I already forgotten? Removed from the decision-making process?” She tossed out her arms. Hurt filled her eyes, and it felt like my chest was caving in on itself. “Everybody got what they wanted, and I’m no longer needed, right? Not pushy, Mari. Too needy, too loud. Let’s not tell her because she’ll just try to make us stay. That’s why you didn’t want to tell me, right? I’m just some ticking time bomb, so better to avoid me altogether.”
“I waited to tell you because I know Cath. You do too. After everything, she isn’t going to just skip town tomorrow. Have faith. She won’t leave without saying goodbye.”
Something about that made her go stock-still. She sucked in her lips but nodded. There was something on the tip of her tongue that she wasn’t saying.
“Let’s go in. Have some tea and just try to get some sleep before tomorrow,” I suggested.
“I’m sorry.” She stepped closer to her car. “I need to get to my place.” Her voice was robotic, distant.
I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to get her to talk about whatever made her go so cold. But Mari was an immovable force. If she didn’t want to stay, then she wouldn’t. She needed time and space, and I could give her that. After tomorrow, it would all be okay.
Mari
My body felt numb as I sat in my car, waiting for Leo to go in. He was waiting for me to drive away first, watching me with this sad, pitiful face.
It was every hurt that I’d protected myself from unfolding in front of me. A long road of lonely nights and canceled plans.
This was just the beginning of the end. I never thought it would be different for us. I just wanted to deny the inevitable as long as possible. I should have ended things at Christmas. Let our relationship stay in that snow globe of perfection. That would have been the smart thing to do, but even thinking of Leo not tangled in every part of my life like we found our bodies tangled most mornings caused a sensation like a sharp hollowing out of my stomach.
I would always prefer the angry, quick breakup to the subtle fading away of love and of being forgotten.
I pulled out of Leo’s driveway. I didn’t make it far before Clara waved me down. I wasn’t in the mood to talk, but maybe it would help. I still didn’t get to bitch about Pin Dick, and maybe just having someone on my side to end this horrible day would help.
I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone yet, even if it was my choice.
I glanced back to make sure Leo had gone inside. His house looked as dark and cold as our final words had been.
“Hey,” I said to her after I’d gotten to the porch.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
“How much did you hear?”
“Not much. But the body language spoke volumes,” she said.
Venting was exactly what I needed. I spent five straight minutes detailing the shit day, from the conversation about the bands to the revelation about Cath.
“Now Cath is going to go on tour. Pin Dick is going to cut band or worse. And Leo has no reason to be around me anymore.” I slumped into her swing.
“That’s a lot of terrible assumptions,” she said.
“Are they assumptions if based on facts? Is it catastrophic thinking when so often I’m proved right?”
“Right about what?”
“People leave. People forget me,” I said, unable to meet her eyes. Every breath caused a sharp pain in my chest.
“Man, your family sucks,” she said.
“What?” I blinked at her.
“Not our branch of the tree. Obviously. But your parents? Your brothers? They suck.”
“What does this have to do with anything?” I asked, looking for paralleled anger, not an analysis of my family dynamic.
