It hit me then. The real reason I wanted to show Claire this room. It was about sharing a part of myself, but it was also my way of showing myself the truth.
When you fall for a woman, it’s going to hit you like a train.
It had felt like a warning when my mother said it. I felt things too deep and wanted things too much. My mother always recognized my sensitive nature. I was sure I had inherited it from her. But where it made her patient with the world, understanding the ebb and flow of nature, it made me scared and hard. She said that the softest insides have to develop the strongest shells. It wasn’t easy to be an artist male with squishy insides who cried at movies and got goose bumps at musicals—yes, we watched musicals—living in a small town.
She never made me feel bad about it. She tried to teach me the balance of it.
Too soft and too hard for this world.
This time, I heard Claire’s voice.
“I just haven’t had the heart to clear this stuff out. Or see if this medical equipment could be donated. I keep meaning to,” I explained as we moved out of the room.
“I understand. I was often told that there is no timeline for grief. It doesn’t just stop one day. That room can wait.” She reached for my hand and squeezed.
We went silently back into the main area, but she didn’t let me go. She stepped closer. Questioning. I cupped her cheek and kissed her forehead. My heart raced, betraying my head. Or maybe the other way around.
It would be so easy to kiss her. To peel off her clothes like I had before.
I stepped forward to reach for her. I felt lighter having shared.
“Thank you for sharing this with me,” she said. “Really. I feel honored.” She held my eyes for a beat and smiled wide.
“Thank you for listening.” I wanted this woman. I wanted to share more with her. The day was catching up, but being with her didn’t drain me. It filled me up. I wanted to tell her that. I wanted to tell her so much more.
“I know I’m just passing through and am practically a stranger. I understand now why having someone stay here would be so difficult.”
Just passing through.
I nodded at her feet. “Yeah. I just?—”
“It’s okay. You made the rules very clear.” Her tone was light and understanding, but how could she think she was a stranger after I shared this with her? “You don’t have to explain,” she said honestly. “I know I’ve been a little pushy, but you’re a good man, Levi. I like spending time with you. I understand you have rules in place, but if you ever want to spend more time with me … if you getbored.” Her gaze met mine, pupils dark with subtext. “I’ll be here. In Little Cabin.”
I swallowed with difficulty. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted her. I had wanted her and thought about her every moment of every day, even when I told myself I wasn’t.
Fuck the rules. They were in place to protect me, but now they were hurting me.
“Having the rules is important to you?” I asked.
“I like clear boundaries and expectations,” she said with a nod.
Nothing about my feelings for her was clear. I would haveprobably followed that desire if I hadn’t started to develop feelings. I would have let myself get lost in her body as a distraction from the grief I was still processing in a way I hadn’t allowed myself to do in the past few years. But then, she enraptured me. She spoke in a way that made me anxious to hear what she’d come up with next. She had such a special way of seeing the world.
I couldn’t take her up on her offer as much as I wanted to. I wasn’t content to only have her for a night or a few weeks while she waspassing throughtown. If only I didn’t feel things so deeply, if only I was able to take things in stride like everybody else seemed to. But now, having kissed her and spent time with her, my meeting Claire felt monumental and crucial. Everything I thought I wanted and knew had changed.
I didn’t want to know what these feelings for her were, or if I did, I wasn’t ready to admit them. It was like the empty shell I had been living in was now too small to contain everything I had experienced. I would never be able to squeeze myself back in now.
No.
I would have some self-control.
For now, I would just avoid her and let things simmer before they boil over. My blood was too hot around her. My control was a hair trigger, and that kiss proved it. I didn’t want to give in and risk her thinking she wasn’t important to me. We were more than hookups based on spiked cider and “good vibes.”
I waited too long to speak. She sighed and tossed her hands out to the side. We were walking to the front door. “It’s been along day. You have shared a lot and been around a lot of people. You go get some rest,” she said.
“Good night, Claire,” I said at the door.
“Good night, Levi.” She hesitated, body tense, but didn’t move.
