She looked confused.
I rolled my eyes. “You, Claire. He lost you.”
“And for what?”
“Would you have wanted to be with him still?” I asked, containing a shaking fear that made me feel sick.
“God. No.” Her answer was instant and solid, and with it was a wave of relief. “I lost all respect for him the moment he took that promotion. No. We were long over. Honestly, I don’t even miss him. Sadly, I rarely ever think about him.”
I brushed my lips along the top of her head. Another few moments of silence passed as I continued to hold her.
“I’m devastated,” she said. Something came over her features as if she recognized a scent she couldn’t previously place. “That’swhat I feel. Utter devastation. I feel like my whole life I’ve been working to make a difference, and I’m just like that one mortal suffering for sins of the gods, pushing up the rock, and these big rich people are laughing from their perches above us all as it rolls back down.”
Her hands shook as I collected them to kiss her knuckles. “Darling,” I said sadly. I hated her pain, but I hated her self-doubt more than anything. The pain would end, but would her self-esteem recover? Her larger-than-life morals were part of what made her so passionate and wonderful.
“I don’t even know who I am without that purpose anymore.”
“You are so many things. Don’t make judgments about your character when you’ve been dealt a blow. Treat yourself how you would treat a friend in this situation.”
Her brow furrowed. “I can’t pick apart every choice I ever made to make a case about how awful a person I am?”
“I’m afraid that won’t help you from feeling like shit.”
She dropped her head into her hands. “What am I even going to do?”
“Nothing needs to be decided right now.”
She tilted her head back and met my gaze. “How can you understand that about me so clearly?” she asked with a sense of awe. Despite myself, my gaze moved to her mouth, where she licked her lips.
“I think the issue is that …” She took a breath and went on. “It used to feel so important to change the world. Now, I fear I was just avoiding something else, but I can’t even consider it because I’ve invested so much into this version of myself. It feels so impossible to change now.”
I let out a long, slow breath. “Now that’s something I know a little bit about.”
She grabbed my fingers back and squeezed.
“I think we just try small steps. A little bit, each day that scares us.” My throat was so tight, the words so close to coming out. “And with time, we can be whoever we want.”
“I like that, Levi Carmichael.” She leaned forward and kissed my temple. “Thank you. For all of it.”
I couldn’t share my desire to keep her here, not now. Not when she was just starting to relax.
I was a hypocrite and a liar. So much for having the courage to change.
Chapter 27
Claire
Leviand I ended up talking well into the night. I was so emotionally drained that I must have drifted off. I remembered being on the couch and feeling the weight of sleep pull me under, but I felt too at peace to disturb the status quo.
I vaguely remember him scooping me up and carrying me upstairs.
Now, I sat up and looked around groggily from Levi’s bed. Again. My phone said it was after four a.m. I felt lighter. Not happy. I was still concerned about the future, the article, and my career, but I wasn’t spiraling. I had spun out, launching myself to another planet of numbness and denial, but Levi had grabbed me and brought me back to Earth. He’d cared enough and been patient enough to help me work out what I couldn’t understand.
As always, Levi understood what I needed before I had.
I went to the restroom before padding down to the living room to find him on the couch. He slept on his back, legs hanging off the couch, an arm slung over his face, and Ripley taking up the other half. She lifted her head and lowered it, unimpressed to find me.
I shivered in the cool air before heading over to him. I gently shook him awake.
