I scoffed becausedads. Their opinions couldn’t be trusted.
“I’m serious. You have this thing where you think that your passion makes you unlikeable. But I think it’s a great part of who you are. My biggest issue with Kevin was that he said he supported that side of you but it never seemed like he really did. It mostly seemed he knew how to pay lip service to it. When push came to shove, he never challenged you or encouraged you to flourish. I think that Levi senses your strengths.”
I focused on petting Ripley and thought of the times that Levisaid exactly that. He had really made me feel special.
“He did. He liked that about me. He said that I had an entire universe in my brain and that it fascinated him. Or something. It was really sweet.” My bottom lip trembled. “It’s just that when things burn too hot, they burn out fast.”
My dad sat thoughtfully for a moment. “Do they burn out? Or do they change their chemical makeup to something else? Fires demolish, but they also provide life, warmth, comfort, and protection.”
I nodded. “It would be pretty insane to love somebody after knowing them for a few weeks, right?” I asked, chewing my lip.
“I think I’m the wrong person to ask. I loved your mother within minutes.”
A cough-sob choked out of me. I tried to tease around a tearful voice. “Ugh, men. So simple.” But this was all me projecting because, really … really, there was something more scary than Levi loving me in just a few weeks. That was, I was pretty sure, I loved him right back. And that … that couldn’t and didn’t make any sense. “It took me forever to feel like I could let my guard down with Kevin.”And I was still completely blindsided.
“I just don’t think there is a timeframe to these things. I think when some people know, they just know.” Dad rubbed his forefinger over his lips. “There’s a bravery to that sort of blind feeling. It’s easier to rationalize and compartmentalize rather than feel.”
“Oof. That sounds familiar.”
“The feeling is where the bravery comes in. Recognizing it andacting.”
Then Levi was so brave. He wore all his feelings; he seemed to live and marinate in them. Whereas, I caught a whiff of a feeling cooking and I ran out of the house into a different neighborhood.
“Levi is so brave.”
“What’s the worst that could happen if you admit that you want something?” he asked.
“I could let down my guard and at that moment, the worst could happen? He could decide I’m not actually enough. I could blink, and the whole world could shift because I missed the signs.” My voice cracked. “Like what Kevin did to me. And I didn’t even feel a fraction of what I did for him as I do for Levi.”
His brows shot up at my confession. “Interesting. But you were okay, right? You are okay?”
I nodded. “But what if Levi is just using me to avoid the pain of the loss of his mother? What if he’s latching on to me instead of processing his grief?” I blurted the biggest fear and wished instantly I could swallow it back down.
“You know what? You’d still be okay. Life would still go on. You would surely have to sit in some awful, yucky feelings for a while, but eventually, you would be okay,” he said.
“God, that sounds terrible.”
“But you aren’t alone. And you are loved, and you will be okay. No matter what. Repeat it to yourself.”
“I’ll be okay.” Inexplicably, I felt the tension release from my shoulders.
“I know your mother’s death blindsided us both,” he said,holding my gaze, “but knowing it was coming wouldn’t have made it hurt any less. You couldn’t have changed it. It wasn’t your fault that it happened because you weren’t paying attention. You were starting college; you were doing exactly what you needed to be doing. Her passing didn’t happen because you got caught up living,” he said.
“Okay,” I gasped out a sob. I understood that to be true, rationally, but hearing it out loud, I realized that’s exactly what I had been doing. I thought I wouldn't get hurt if I knew everything all the time. Turned out, that was impossible.
After I collected myself and smoothed my breaths, I met my dad’s gaze, waving a hand at my drying face.
“We’re both okay now? Aren’t we?” he asked.
I nodded, chin quivering.
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you too.” It spurted out wet and gaspy. I sucked in my lips to keep from crying any harder.
Once you started to register how you felt in the moment, everything sort of spilled out all over, like a punctured can of biscuits. I wanted to ignore this last thought and pretend it wasn’t always there at the back of my mind, but the soft, doughy truth spilled over.
“And-and what if I’ve been using work to avoid feeling anything ever? What if I don’t have a job now, and I’ll just have to sit and think and process things.” I held his gaze, and we both knew what I was referring to. That Levi wasn’t the only one still processing the loss of his mom.
