“And you did help me, Pace,” he repeated. “And you’re still trying to avoid pain by causing it. Like Kaylee did. Like I did. We don’t even realize the lengths our brains will go through subconsciously if it thinks it’s keeping us safe.”
It hit me like a room of flames getting oxygen from an open door. That was exactly what I did. What I warned Sophie not to do, hiding from life, was exactly what I did. I just avoided a different sort of pain.
I snorted. “I said something similar to Sophie. But I didn’t realize I was doing the exact same thing. She hid in her comfortable house and routine, and I hid by never being still. We were both so afraid.”
“But you still found each other. You can still be together. But you have to trust that people are going to feel pain and still want you in their lives. She can navigate her way through negative experiences, and all you have to do is be there to hold her hand if that’s what she needs.”
“She’s so much braver than me,” I said, shaking my head.
“So go tell her you want to be a coward with her. Trust her to stay,” Levi said.
I felt his words soothe the burning pain in my chest. It was another weight lifted off my shoulders.
For months now, Sophie had told me and shown me that she felt safe with me. She opened her heart to me without hesitation once she decided I was safe.
I wanted to be her person if she’d let me.
If I was enough for a brilliant, brave person like Sophie to open her heart to, then maybe Levi was right. Maybe I could be there for her, and that was enough. To hold her hand when the anxiety got too much, to explain to her how something was going to go. To show her that she was capable, to show her how to appreciate her beauty and wit like I did.
“The list is done and now ...” I trailed off, thoughts tumbling around even as an idea was starting to form.
“Was it ever really about that?” he asked.
“The list was important to her. It represented so much for her, but ...”
My sentence drifted off as a thought came to me. What if the list had been the excuse we both needed? How could I show her I was going to be there whenever she needed me? I had to be worthy of proving I could hold her heart carefully in my hands. That my love was more than a rushed proposal at the worst possible time.
“I know you love her. That much is obvious. So how are you going to show her?” Levi asked.
The answer was so clear. “I have an idea. Do you have paper and pen?”
All the numbness that held me in place melted away into exhilarated motivation. I would make this right.
I’d been working with frantic energy for a few minutes when I heard Levi grunt. This was his grunt of curiosity. Sure enough, when I glanced up, he was staring out the front window of the shop. People were making their way toward the center of town.
“What’s going on?” I asked, having finished what I wanted to get done.
“I’m not sure.” Levi already had his phone out. “Let me check the city site.”
I shifted impatiently, as Levi’s brows went up.
“What? What?” I asked, reaching for his phone.
“Did you promise to go streaking with Sophie?”
32
Sophie
Dressedin the warmest robe I could find, a hat, gloves, and furry boots, I stomped from foot to foot, trying to psych myself up to do this. I could do this.
Any normal person could run through their small town in the middle of winter totally naked, right?
Well, I wasn’t naked exactly. I wore incredibly tight shapewear that would hold things in place while giving the appearance of nudity ... from far away ... if someone needed glasses.
“Oh, God, oh, God, what am I doing?” My breath hung in the air because it was freaking December in the Rocky Mountains.
I was a person who had something to prove. Even if I got a little bit of frostbite.
