“I guess we have more in common than I originally thought.” She bumped her shoulder against mine, and we shared a long look. She cleared her throat and faced forward again.
“Anyway, I am going somewhere with this, I swear.” She groaned and hid her face into my shoulder. I fought the desire to flex so she could feel my muscles; her nose was more important than my pride. “Ugh. I don’t want to say this part.” She took a steadying breath in and out, and I gripped her tighter, reminding her I was there for her.
“Vicky clocked me walking in. She looked me up and down. In that way that people do very specifically to make sure you know that they are judging you. And I can’t express to you how awful that makes me feel. It’s like I was transported back to the gym twenty years ago, noticing how thin the other girls were in their crop tops and brand-name jeans. And I could feel her perusal. And she said something like, ‘Wow, I didn’t even recognize you. You’ve lost so much weight.’” Sophie groaned again and shook her head. “Which is actually the worst thing to hear, and I hate when people make such a big deal out of my late blooming. You wouldn’t believe the amount of time I’m told, ‘Wow, you look amazing,’ and then immediately after, ‘Are you eating enough?’ Like, how messed up is that? ‘You look amazing and possibly very ill!’ I was just a late bloomer. I was raised by my grandma, and I didn’t know how to dress for my body until about a year ago, thanks to the internet. And the sad thing is, I wasn’t even heavier back then. I am technically heavier now. I’ve just never been that sort of skinny.” She cut herself off with a quick shake of the head. “But that doesn’t even matter. Becauseunless you were in her club of all the super skinny, low-rise-jeans wearing ... Ugh, I’m getting off track.”
She balled her free hand, and I was overwhelmed by the need to tell her she was beautiful.
“My body was fine. There was no reason I should have carried so much shame, but to be reminded of it was instantly upsetting.”
“Vicky sounds like a small person. Metaphorically, you know?” I clarified quickly. “And small people need to make other people feel smaller,” I said honestly.
“Yeah, I know this to be true. Happy or even content people don’t go around making others feel bad about themselves. Only deeply insecure people do. Rationally, I know this. But at that moment, there were no years since middle school. I was thirteen and unable to vouch for myself.” Her shoulders heaved and dropped. “I’m too old to act like this. There was no rational thought. There was just me being weird and unable to defend myself, frozen as the popular girl makes me feel like dirt on her shoe.”
She sighed and this time pulled her hands back from mine to hide her face in them.
“I panicked.” Her voice muffled. “I turned to run out. And I ran smack into a pillar.”
I sucked in a breath, unable to hide my reaction. I pictured the round cement pillars placed randomly throughout the old building.
“Shit. Sophie, I should have told you?—”
She dropped her hands from her face. “There’s no way you should have warned me about concrete columns three times as wide as me. I have eyeballs and depth perception.” She gave me a warning look, and I sucked in my lips. “In theory.” Her head fell back into her hands. “Not this time though. I smacked right into it with my face.” Her arms and neck were flushed. Heatemanated off her from her shame. “I was so shocked that it took me a second to realize my nose was bleeding. I heard the gasp of somebody nearby, and Vicky said something like ‘oh, dear’ but in a shitty, amused way. Then I just ran out of there. Probably only a trail of laughter and blood behind me.”
“Shit,” I repeated. I don’t think I’d ever felt so frustrated on behalf of someone. I knew I should have gone in there with her. Anger toward Vicky overwhelmed me, but I wasn’t about to throw out the B-word again. Though maybe Sophie would allow it in this instance.
“It could not have gone worse,” she said.
“You could have accidentally peed your pants,” I offered.
Her body stilled. Suddenly, her shoulders started to shake.
“Crap.” I’d remembered her dark humor from before and thought it would be okay. “I’m sorry, Sophie. Too soon. I shouldn’t joke.”
Her shoulders shook harder. “It was so awful.” She sounded so mournful. “I will end up online and go viral. I probably already am.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry.” I put my arms around her and pulled her to me. She grabbed my shirt and pulled her face into it. She made a sound I didn’t recognize, and I lowered my head to make sure she wasn’t hyperventilating.
“Wait. Are you laughing?” I asked, rearing back.
She made a louder sound, shaking more. “I don’t know,” she wailed. She looked up, eyes red and spilling tears, but her mouth was pulled back in a grimace? A grin? I honestly couldn’t tell. “I think both.” This just made her laugh-cry harder.
I couldn’t help the tentative smile that spread across my face. “You’re okay?”
“I don’t know. I might have cracked finally,” she said, but she had definitely been laughing. After a minute, she took a steadying breath as I handed her a tissue from the first aid bag.
“It sounds rough,” I agreed.
“That was awful. Like so much worse than I could have planned.” She had stopped shaking.
“I’m so sorry. I need to stop helping.” I was lower than I thought, despite her outburst.
“What are you talking about? I feel alive. More than I ever have.”
“What?” I asked in disbelief.
“I didn’t die.” She tossed her hands out to the sides like it was obvious. “I thought that I might. I mean, for a few seconds I left my body, but I didn’t die. I thought I was dead when I woke up here, but nope, I’m still here.” She smiled up at me. Her color had returned mostly, just some pink left around her eyes. “And that is all thanks to you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I’d been making everything worse since I’d decided to help with this list.
