“Mom called me up in the middle of the night, high as a kite. I honestly thought it was some twisted joke at first. But it was her,” Jody confirmed sadly, “and the way she spoke to me…” Jody shook her head. “It was like I was a teenager again.” She took a deep breath. “So in the middle of the night, still in my pajamas, I drove seven and a half hours to get to her, forced her into my car, and dropped her off at rehab. She begged me not to take her, called me every name in the book, even tried to bribe me, but this was why she named me medical proxy years ago. She knew if she relapsed, she wouldn’t enter into recovery easily.She knew I would have to force her, and I think she always hated herself a little for having to put that burden on me.
“I went to check on her today. They normally don’t allow visitors, but I knew the owner, so they made an exception. Mom looked like shit. God, it was like I was being tossed back into the nineties and coming home from school to find her lying in her own vomit on the floor.” Jody cringed at the fresh memory. “And just like when I was a kid, as soon as she saw me, she started apologizing again. I tried to sympathize. I tried to be supportive and give her the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, it was like I’d reached my breaking point. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand there and listen to her bullshit excuses for one more second—and so I left,” Jody admitted with a cynical shrug.
“But then I got talking with her doctor, and you know what she gave me?” Jody reached into her purse to pull out several pamphlets. “‘Understanding the Connection between Menopause and Addiction’,” she read the first title before going to the next in the stack, “‘Midlife Recovery: Hormones, Health, and Sobriety’, ‘Women, Menopause, and Relapse Risk’, ‘A Guide to the Hormonal Changes for Women in Midlife’, and my personal favorite, ‘The Second Wave: Recovery After Forty’.”
Jody tossed the pamphlets on the floor in the middle of the circle. One came skidding across the linoleum, catching under Toni’s shoe. “As if being a woman isn’t hard enough? Her own body turned against her until she snapped and used meth to make her feel like herself again. I don’t know how I feel about this. I’m not even sure if I have the right to be angry at her. I knew she was struggling with her menopause symptoms, and of course, her OB was less than helpful. Between the hot flashes, the brain fog, the cravings… Can I blame her for seeking something that made her feel even remotely normal again?” Jody threw her hands up in the air. “In the end, I’m not sure it matters. My feelings are irrelevant, and when she’s throughwithdrawal, she’s going to hate herself enough for the both of us.”
* * *
Ranger smootheda lock of Toni’s dark hair out of her face. They were at his bedroom in Ghost and Becks’ house, having decided Ranger’s bigger bathroom was better than the itty bitty one at the trailer. Having quieter, less rough sex was a trade-off they were willing to make to be able to shower and bathe together. Plus, technically, the trailer was still Toni’s to use, so they occasionally went down there when they were feeling particularly rambunctious.
“You’re quiet tonight,” he observed.
Her head on the pillow she’d finally gotten from her house, Toni shrugged under him. They were both naked, having just made love. “Got a lot on my mind.”
“Work or Al-Anon?” he inquired, still playing with her hair.
Toni didn’t answer him for a moment, staring up at the blank ceiling he’d spent many, many nights memorizing. “Remember Jody?”
“Yeah, of course. She’s come to a few AA and NA open meetings to encourage family members to attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Seems like a sweet woman. Did something happen to her?”
Toni did a little head bobble like she wasn’t sure if she should nod or shake her head. “Her mom relapsed.”
Ranger couldn’t remember how long Jody had said her mom had been sober for, but he knew it had been a while. “Shit.”
“Her doctor at the rehab center gave Jody all this information on how menopause can affect middle-aged women and their sobriety.”
Ranger cringed a little. Having grown up with a mom and a sister, he was very familiar with period symptoms and terminology. However, being uterus-free, he was very unknowledgeable on menopause. It was just something he’d never discussed with his mom. “Can’t say I ever thought about how the two of those connected.”
“Turns out, a lot,” Toni drawled. “Jody didn’t want the information, but I kept them in case she changed her mind. Not that she can’tGoogleit if she did.”
Which also meantTonicould search on the internet as well. “What are you getting at, baby? That’s not something you’ll ever have to worry about with me.”
Toni finally looked at him instead of the ceiling. “I think it’s something I should havealreadybeen worried about, Liam. Mymomwas in early menopause.”
Oh, shit. “Fuck,” Ranger breathed out, not entirely sure what the difference was between normal menopause and early menopause. “You think that’s why she relapsed.”
“I mean, I don’t know for sure, but the timing fits. I remember her bitching about the symptoms once, and there was something about me likely going into early menopause because she did, but I honestly wasn’t paying attention. I feel like such a selfish bitch. What if Mom was trying to have a meaningful talk with me, trying to tell me about her struggles, and I was too busy with work to realize it? What if the fact that she’s awomanis the reason she relapsed?”
Ranger frowned, not liking Toni’s train of thought at all. “Hey,” he coaxed, jiggling her body. “What are the three Cs they teach you in Al-Anon?”
Toni glared up at him. “You’re missing the point of what I’m trying to say, Liam.”
“No,you’remissing the point,” he argued. “Tell me what the three Cs are.”
Grumbling, Toni said with a tight jaw, “You didn’t Cause it. You can’t Control it. You can’t Cure it.”
“Meaning…” he said pointedly.
Toni stuck her tongue out at him. “Meaning I did not cause, could not control, and could not cure my parents’ addiction.”
“Very good.” Ranger leaned down and kissed her gently. It did not pass his notice that she used the past tense more and more recently when referring to both her parents. “Whether your mom was on menopause or not, it doesn’t change thatshechose to use.” Toni bit her lip and blinked up at him several times. “What?” he asked.
“Did you just say she was ‘on menopause’?”
Ranger stared down at her in confusion. “Yeah… I figured you’re on your period, so wouldn’t you be on menopause?”
Toni smiled. “Oh my God. I am so telling your mother that in the morning.”
