“Define stupid?”
“Please don’t do anything that could get you hurt. I’m not going back to the shop. I’ll just get another job.”
Derek wanted to protest. Why the fuck should he leave his job? If the guy wasn’t going to prison, he needed to be put in hospital. Maybe he could make a call. He’d come across some unsavoury characters before, and he was owed a few favours.
“Can I get you anything?” asked Derek.
“Just stay still. You’re very comfy.”
Derek chuckled. At least Kieran could still make a joke, and Derek had no problem with holding him in his arms for as long as needed.
Kieran had fallen asleep on the sofa and then gone for another shower. Derek made some chicken sandwiches for them. It was difficult for him not to rush in and try to fix everything, but how could he even fix this? Going after Carl would change nothing and only make Derek feel better for a few seconds.
“Kieran, can I ask you something?” he asked, passing him his plate.
He looked apprehensive but nodded.
“Are you on PrEP?”
Kieran looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. He looked back at Derek, and this time his eyes were cold. What had happened?
“It’s a bit late for PrEP.”
“When?” asked Derek, his voice cracking.
“Ten years ago.”
It felt like a gut punch as the guilt hit him. He had so many questions, but it was for Kieran to share.
“I’m undetectable, so nothing would have passed on to him.”
“I don’t give a fuck about him. Kieran, I’m so sorry.”
“It was a long time ago.”
“Do you know...” He trailed off, not sure it was right to ask that question.
“When I got to London with less than a hundred quid, I went to a homeless shelter. The guy who ran it took a shine to me. That was my payment to stay for three months.”
“What the fuck? Who is this guy?”
“He’s long dead.”
“What? How?”
“I think he had his own shit he was dealing with. Someone at the shelter I stayed in touch with told me he’d hung himself about five years ago.”
There was no emotion in Kieran’s voice as he told the story, as if it were nothing. It wasn’t like what had happened with Carl when the emotions were still raw. This trauma was locked down tight.
“The way I see it is that he didn’t force me. I was attracted to him. When he asked if we could stop using condoms, I could have said no. Maybe he didn’t even know he had it. I don’t know. It’s not something I ever asked him. But I’m not blameless in this. I made a mistake, and that was the price.”
“Is that why you dropped out of med school?”
“In a way. It wouldn’t have been an issue for me to still practice medicine. There were some limitations, but it had nothing to do with that. I flunked the first year because I got my diagnosis. Hassan said I should put extenuating circumstances in, but I didn’t want people to know and judge me.”
Derek wanted to hug him again, but his tone was still cold. If only he’d tried to find him, this might not have happened.
“I don’t regret not being a doctor. It was what my mum wanted, not me. I’m happy doing what I do. I just hope I can get another job.”
