More and more, her journal was evolving into the makings of a novel. She would use this time to start organizing it into chapters, making a promise to herself that when she returned, she would make this a priority.
As she got to her seat, she wiped the last tear. She was so tired of crying. Assuring the flight attendant that she was alright when he looked at her with concern, she buckled up and took out her journal and started to write, her hand trembling.
Leaving Alex and walking out that door was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. What am I walking toward? I’ve loved two men in my life. One I gave up so much for. I’ll never regret a moment of it even with the resentment that simmered beneath the surface those last few years. But I’ll always ask myself why I didn’t pursue my writing before now. Nicholas would never have prevented it, but I think we both knew what a sacrifice it would have been to our careers.
Or was I just afraid of failure? These past few years have taught me that I was stronger than I could have ever imagined. I may not have gone on adventures, but I’ve shown up for my business, for my family and friends and for myself every day. I’ve survived, one day at a time.
Taking her phone out, Aria glanced out her window at the row of planes at their gates. Turning back to her photos, she found the ones she took of her kintsugi bowl. Following the lines of gold bond with her forefinger, she took a deep breath and went back to her journal.
I have fought my inner demons of fear and discovered that my life may not look like I planned it as a young girl in love, but I’m still standing, still alive. I’ve put the pieces back together with a bond stronger than I could imagine.
I need to find my voice, my dreams, my place, if I’m ever to find my purpose. My confidence in myself needs to be restored. It feels selfish and foreign to put myself first, but I want to live, to write, and I’m no longer afraid of failing. Alex taught me what it looks like to pursue what I’m passionate about and I’ll always be grateful for that. He has inspired me, believed in me. Whatever happens between us in the future, this time away is now about me. No more hiding. I want to rediscover Aria.
Aria’s attention turned to the flight attendant as she demonstrated the safety rules.
“In the event of an emergency, put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.”
Nodding as she closed her eyes, she relaxed with that thought.
Yes, I need to find myself first before I can give myself away again.
Aria was tempted to call Alex and try to explain, but remembering the pain she had caused him made her abandon the idea. They needed time.
He needs to go to Argentina, and I need to find my own way. This is the right thing to do even if my heart is breaking. Even if I’ve broken his.
She could only pray that the love they felt for one another could withstand this journey.
Would Alex ever find a way to forgive her when her journey was complete?
Chapter Forty-Seven
Alex felt allthe air in his lungs leave in a whoosh when Aria walked out the door.
This is a dream, right? A nightmare. Any minute now I’ll wake up and find none of this was real.
The lingering fragrance of her perfume confirmed that to be a lie.
With her words ringing in his ears and the silence surrounding him, he turned around in a full circle, looking at his house as if he were a stranger in it.
What just happened?
He reached into his pocket, his fingers fumbling to dial her number. When it went to voicemail, he wasn’t surprised. Aria had proven that when she was upset, she ran. She ran and she isolated.
He played the scene out in his head a few times. He understood that she was upset he didn’t tell her his decision to stay. What he dared not say at the moment was that he made that decision before their first date on the boat. He wanted to give them a chance to spend time together, get to know one another the way they’d never had a chance before to do, even though retracting his name from the project in Argentina was a difficult one.
He feared that telling her too soon about his decision would have scared her away, so he held it back. He was to tell her after her parents left for Rome. When she invited him to meet her parents, that confirmed to him it was the right time. It meant she was ready to move on in their relationship.
His regret was mentioning it to Corinna first. He wanted to convince her best friend of his intentions, but it had backfired. When Aria hadn’t brought it up, he assumed Corinna would let him be the one to tell her.
You waited too long. You’ve lost her.
As much as this was his fault for waiting, it hurt that instead of listening to him, trusting him, she had thrown it all away.
She doesn’t love me. How was I so wrong about her feelings?
That truth took his breath away. He had trusted her with his heart, but she couldn’t say the words.
Feeling the familiar pain he felt back in school as he watched her fall in love with Nicholas, he rubbed the ache in his chest.
