“No, it doesn’t.” My body refused to relax, so I couldn’t sit still. I had no idea what this reaction was, and I noticed the warm but curious looks from Leyla, Niko, and the Austin brothers as I paced, as if Grammy were my own family. I just knew I wouldn’t be at peace until I saw him for myself.
What felt like hours later, the door swung open, and a man who looked like he had aged ten years since I’d seen him last walked in. His head hung down, and tears clung to his long eyelashes. Mike’s tanned face was pale, and his hands shook. Gone was the person who always had an easy smile. This was the face of devastation.
His friends took turns hugging him and speaking softly, but all he did was stare at the floor and nod. Defeated. Mike lifted his head only when Niko hugged him.
I stood still, watching as they comforted him one by one, keeping out of the way to avoid interrupting, suddenly feeling very out of place. When everyone had taken their seats again, I slowly started walking toward him. All eyes were on me as I did.
What do I say? Does he even want me here? Maybe I should’ve stayed at Vicky’s.
Panicking that this had been a bad idea, I stopped just before I got to him, but he must’ve seen my sandaled feet and slowly looked up.
When his somber, hazel eyes met mine, his lips started to tremble as he lifted his arms a few inches, the weight of them appearing to be too much to raise any further.
Nothing could have kept me from going to him at that moment, and I lunged into his open arms. I stood on my tiptoes to reach him, my arms going around his neck as he pulled me into him, arms banded tightly around me. His heartbreakingsobs were my undoing. Tears streamed down my face as I whispered a prayer over him.
“Father, touch Mike right now. Give him Your peace. Peace that passes all understanding.” His sobs became louder, and I held him tighter, as my garbled voice trembled. “You have Grammy in the palm of Your hands, and we trust You with her life, and with her heart.” I couldn’t go on any further because I was sobbing along with him.
Mike held me so tight I thought I’d lose my breath, but if that’s what he needed in this moment, I’d do anything to make it better for him somehow. When his tears slowed down, he released his tight grip, strangely making me miss his warmth as my heels touched the ground again. I could hear the shifting of bodies in the plastic chairs just feet from us and the whispers from his friends.
He pulled back enough to look me in my eyes. His eyes were bloodshot, fatigued, and he looked on the verge of breaking down again.
“Tell me, Mike. Tell me what I can do for you. I-I’ll do anything,” I whispered, wanting so badly to take this pain from him, to see him smile again. “Food, coffee, letting Max out. Just ask.”
His eyes scanned mine as his hands slid down my arms to hold my trembling hands. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He swallowed and tried again. But I was wholly unprepared for what he was about to say.
His voice sounded as if it were tumbling over rough rock, raw with emotion.
“Marry me, Ren. Help me give this to her. Please, b-before it’s too late. Say you’ll marry me.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Mike
There’s a feelinga surfer has when everything looks calm on the surface, but unknown to you, something ominous is brewing below. That moment when the wave you've been waiting and preparing for turns into a massive wall of impenetrable water, and your reverent fear of the ocean’s power is tested to its limit.
It happened to me once a few years ago, and now it was happening to me again right here in this hospital.
When I walked out of Grammy’s ICU room after holding her hand and begging God not to take her, I felt that same overwhelming churning in my stomach, my chest tight, unable to catch my breath as I did on the board that day. The nurses looked concerned as I passed their desk, but they couldn’t do anything for me. No one could.
That now-familiar darkness was creeping into every bright place in my heart that I’d enjoyed since Ren’s arrival. The darkness began the day Grammy was rushed to this very hospital six months ago with a broken hip and a concussion. I fearedlosing her then, and the aftermath was a descent into depression I’d never experienced before. But a new realization slid into my consciousness. I’d felt something similar in childhood, when I felt abandoned while my parents were away on their trips.
And this was my secret. The one I shared with no one.
What could they do anyway? This was my demon to slay. Alone.
I huffed out a humorless laugh at the injustice of my quiet despair not being enough of a burden to carry. The fear of losing the love and respect of Grammy and my friends if they discovered how messed up I was forced me to keep this secret locked away.
When I faced that menacing wall of water on my board, I thought, “this might be the one that takes me under.” Trudging to the ICU waiting room where my friends waited for news on Grammy, the same thought intruded into my battered mind.
This might truly be the one that takes me under.
The doctors were still running tests. Their expressions were quiet and restrained, no doubt the result of years of experience dealing with distraught family members. I wondered what they’d do if I just started screaming, letting loose the torrent of emotions building inside me like that wave.
As I wandered the halls toward the waiting room, I knew I needed to be patient when I was told there were no answers other than she might have suffered a heart attack. I’d pushed my hand violently through my hair so many times I could almost imagine what it looked like.
It didn’t make sense. To my knowledge, she had no heart issues. Unless it was just as I’d feared. She had been keeping it from me.
The intrusive thought made my chest tighten even more. She looked so frail and small in that huge hospital bed, tubes in her arms that I knew would leave bruises on her tender skin,machines around her beeping. A sound I already knew would haunt me if I ever slept again.
