We’ve been lying here with Larissa asleep between us for almost an hour. Our words are hushed so as not to disturb her. But now she stirs. Her little eyes flutter open, and for a moment, she’s somewhere between sleep and awake. Then she sees Nessa, and her whole face changes.
“Mommy?”
The word is small and loaded with so much hope.
“Hi, baby,” Nessa whispers.
Larissa’s smile is big. “You came back.”
“Of course I came back.” Nessa’s voice cracks, but she holds it together.
Larissa pulls back to look at her mother’s face. “Where did you go? I came home, and you weren’t there.”
“I know, baby girl. Mommy is so silly. My watch stopped, and I didn’t realize how late it was. I’m sorry, sweetheart. But you did good calling Auntie Leo. It won’t happen again.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Cross your heart?”
“Cross my heart and hope to eat a thousand caterpillars.”
Larissa’s eyes light up. “You hate caterpillars.”
“That’s right, so I must be telling the truth.”
A giggle escapes Larissa.
Thank God she slept through everything, so she will never know how bad it was. I envy children for their ability to feel so safe and sleep so heavily.
“I like having sleepovers with Auntie Leo and Silas.” She yawns. “Do you think we can have pancakes in the morning?”
“I think we can arrange that, baby,” I say, and a warmth spreads through me at the thought of her approving of Silas.
“How about you go back to sleep for a little bit longer?” Nessa says as she begins to stroke her hair.
“Okay, but wake me for pancakes,” she says, already drowsy. Larissa nestles between us, and when her breathing evens out again, and her small body softens back to sleep, Nessa looks at me.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“For what?”
“For this. For everything. For being the reason this all?—”
“Stop. Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”
“Nessa…”
“You didn’t do this.Hedid. That asshole lying dead on the floor downstairs did it.” She reaches across a sleeping Larissa and takes my hand. “You aren’t responsible. I just wish I had known you went through this.”
My tears slip free. “I never should have pulled away from you. When things got awkward because I felt weird about you and Ben, I should have been there.”
“We both could’ve done things differently. I’m sorry. We’re here now, and that asshole isn’t.” She smiles. “So I think we’re ahead.”
I laugh, but it’s weak. “You told them to go fuck themselves.”
“Damn right I did.”
