“Molly.”
“Twelve dollars.”
I handed over the cash while she yelled my order out, sticking some ones in the tip jar and moved down the line to where my coffee was being made. I took it, along with my bagel, which I slipped into my bag, and headed back out into the freezing November air toward the hospital, sipping my coffee, allowing it to warm me from the inside.
I’d barely taken a step when I felt my phone buzz in my bag with a message coming through.
I didn’t need to look to know it was from Felix, because after I hadn’t replied to the first ten or so, they’d been coming through thick and fast. I was living on borrowed time because I knew I couldn’t go for much longer without speaking to him, I knew he wouldn’t let me.
But I wasn’t ready to have a conversation about why I’d run away.
I wasn’t ready to acknowledge my feelings.
The feelings I had then, or the very unwelcome ones I had now, because I just couldn’t cope with the strength at which they’d returned. And maybe it was because of the accident orbecause they desperately wanted to be acknowledged this time around, but they’d crashed into me with an onslaught of emotion I didn’t want, along with every single memory I’d ever had of Felix through the years.
Whether it was one of the million hugs he’d given me throughout our friendship, squeezing me harder each time so the deep, oaky man-scent of him travelled further and further up into my temporal lobe, burying itself so deep I’d never associate it with anyone else but him. Or the way he always looked out for me whenever I’d was out drinking with the boys, making sure I was okay. Or the necklace with a tiny diamond stethoscope charm he’d given me when I’d passed my interns exams, the necklace I still wore to this day.
It didn’t matter; my memory bank wasn’t discerning or thoughtful enough to filter them, instead, hitting me with the ones which evoked the hardest. I’d ignored them for so long that the numbing agent had clearly worn off, its power no longer able to hold up against that kiss.
I’d needed something stronger.
I’d needed to stay busy.
I’d spent the week performing the goriest, most grueling surgeries I could find, and like a boxer would smash the bag, I cut. I broke. I fixed.
Because the basic facts were, that kiss, that kiss I’d been waiting twelve years for, that kiss that was still imprinted on my lips, was the best kiss of my life. And he hadn’t even been fully conscious for it.
So I’d avoided him for the entire time he was supposed to be under my care, instead palming him off to Hunter, because I knew he’d remember eventually, and it was easier than seeing the regret he would have shown if I’d waited around for longer than the three seconds I did. I didn’t want to be reminded that he only thought of me as a little sister, as Cooper’s sister. I’d seenthe shock on all their faces when I’d walked into the room to report on his surgery. They still saw me as Little Molly.
And I didn’t want to see it from Felix, too.
It was hard enough seeing him while he was asleep, while I sneaked into his room like total creeper.
I finished my coffee and threw the empty cup in the nearest trash can before I walked into the hospital, the sliding doors opening for me as I passed the sensor. I know people tended to hate hospitals, tended to see the negative, but for me, they’d always filled me with hope, with possibility, with promise. And walking through the doors always provided a sense of calm and peace.
I took the stairs up to my floor, because it was usually the only workout I got most days, walking through the waiting area to the nurses’ station.
“Hey, Betty, how’re you doing today?” I leaned over the counter to flip through the charts. “What’s on the agenda?”
She swatted my hand away. You didn’t mess with Betty and her charts, although I got away with it more than most of the Attendings, mainly because I brought in baked treats a lot of the time. The nursing staff ruled this hospital, and I knew how to stay on their good side.
“You have your rounds starting in an hour, consults at ten thirty, then hip reconstruction surgery at one p.m., and a knee arthroscopy at four.”
She handed me a stack of forms to sign and I started flipping through them.
“Ah, Betty, you’re the best. What would I do without you?”
She took back everything as I signed it, filing it away before the ink had dried. “I have no idea.”
“Well, let’s hope I never have to find out.” I winked as I walked off to get changed.
I pushed open the door to the Attendings changing room to find our newest member, Doctor Brooke Newton, sitting on the bench tying her sneakers. She’d recently transferred from Johns Hopkins after completing her residency, and I liked her a lot. There weren’t many female orthopedic surgeons, and it made a welcome balance from an almost all male staff here.
“Hey, Brooke, how are you?”
She jumped up pulling on her scrub pants. “Hey, Molly, I’m good. How are you?”
I opened my locker, shoving my things inside. “I’m fine, thanks. How’s your day looking today? I could grab an early lunch if you have time.”
