I tugged on my necklace. “These are charms he’s given me. The stethoscope was from when I passed my interns exams and he’d been helping me study, and the bone was from this Christmas. It’s got a little metal strip down the middle because he said it was his bone and that’s the rod I inserted in his leg.”
The three of them looked like their heads were about to explode into a colorful assortment of cartoon hearts and cupids and rainbows, all staring at me, speechless.
“Oh my God.” Wolfie clapped her hands together. “I knew Felix was sweet, but I didn’t know he was this level sweet.”
I scoffed at her again. “Don’t forget Freddie’s playlist was his idea.”
Her eyes narrowed as she remembered. “Oh yes, wonder how many other presents he’s come up with that the boys have taken credit for.”
The butterflies started doing flipflops in my belly. “Yes, he’s amazing. I’m really lucky.”
“Hey, he’s the lucky one.”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
She nudged me in the ribs. “He is. What’re you talking about?”
I sat back, twisting my hair around a finger. “I dunno really. He’s so sweet, even going through everything with his accident, he’s been so patient when any normal person would be raging with frustration at not being able to play. But he just took it.”
“No, he didn’t. He was a moody bastard.” Emerson interrupted, finishing off her coffee.
I looked at her. “What?”
She tapped her lip. “Although maybe now I think about it, that had more to do with you than his injury.”
I sighed, dropping my head in my hands.
“What’s wrong?” Wolfie patted my leg.
“Nothing really. I’m just struggling a bit.”
She spun her body around to properly face me, her expression filled with worry. “With what?”
I shrugged again. “Just balancing everything. My mom said I don’t have a life, and maybe I don’t, but I’ve never had to have one before, or had time for one, or wanted to find time for one, or needed to. I understand I’ve sacrificed a lot, but all I ever wanted to be was a doctor. Medicine was my life, is my life. But the other week one of my colleagues told me I’d lost focus, and I think he was right, so now I’m trying to find balance. But I want everything and it’s hard to say no.”
“What do you mean?”
“Trying to balance the hours I work with seeing Felix. But even cutting back, I’m still working more hours than a normal person. And now he’s traveling and I’m going to see him less. Then when he’s back full time and playing, it’s going to be even worse. It’s not like I can get to all the games to support him, and I feel guilty about that, then I feel guilty for not doing enough here. I’ve worked so hard to get to the position I am. Only five per cent of orthopedic surgeons are female, and that number’s even less when you get into sports medicine. I should be setting an example to any future generations. Either way, I’m letting someone down.”
Out of nowhere, hot tears filled my eyes, from the stress of the surgery this morning, from tiredness of trying to fit everything in, from the worry not being a good enough surgeon or good enough girlfriend. Or just plain good enough. I’d never felt like this before, and I didn’t know what to do.
Wolfie pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back. “Molly, you’re not letting anyone down. Have you spoken to Felix about it?”
I sniffed. “No, not yet. He’s so patient and understanding, and he says the hours don’t bother him, but how long is that going to last? He’ll want a girlfriend who can be there for him,not one who doesn’t come home until ten p.m. because her surgery ran over, and then leaves before breakfast. And snaps because she’s tired.”
The higher my pitch got, the wider Freddie’s eyes opened, waiting for the meltdown I was on the brink of having.
“Mol, it’s not like you’re starting from scratch with him. You already know him and have a foundation of an amazing friendship, and you have the same circle of friends. That’s half the battle.”
I wiped away my tears with the heel of my palm. “Yes I know, but it’s not fair on him either. And I don’t want to fuck up what we have because of my job. It’s amazing when we’re together.”
“He knew what your job was going into it.”
I shook my head. “Knowing and actually being in it and affected by it are two different things. This is why I’ve never had a long-term relationship, because at some point, something has to give. Guys don’t like that I’m not there at their beck and call. But this time, I don’t want Felix to be the one to give. I love him so much, and he loves me. It’s what I’ve always wanted, so I’m trying to ease back on the hours but it’s really hard. And I’m worried I can’t do it.”
“You can’t expect everything to happen overnight though.”
One of the babies started stirring and Freddie put her hand into the stroller to soothe them, the gurgling subsided, and just watching her do it subconsciously soothed me too.
