“Hmm, maybe if it’s baking hot again next year, I’ll try it.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” I said casually, not really thinking about what I was saying until it was too late.
Darcy stared at me, an eyebrow slightly raised and mouth half open, like he was trying to figure out if I was joking or not. He poked his tongue between his lips, then squeezed his mouth closed, his face falling as emotion warred on his face.
“Next year?” Dad asked, his gruff voice slicing through the air as he bent down in front of the oven to check on whatever he’d made for dinner. It smelt like toad in the hole. “You planning on being here then? ’Cos if Darcy’s convinced you to stay put for more than ten minutes that’s a bloody miracle.”
“N-No… I… er, I don’t know. I haven’t made any plans.” Panic rose in my stomach as a whirlpool of emotion opened in my chest. I didn’t want to commit to anything. Couldn’t bring myself to commit to anything.
I’d never wanted to settle before. Staying in one place had only ever made me miserable, like I was trapped in a cage with no way out.
I’d tried it once and it had ended so painfully I’d vowed never to do it again. It was easier to keep wandering and make surface-level connections with a million people than open myself up to the possibility of something real. That required vulnerability, and I’d never been good at that.
I wasn’t sure if I knew how to put my heart on the line and show all the parts of myself to someone. It was easier to focus on making people happy, spreading joy and love and leaving a soft imprint on their heart before I moved on. Letting myself into their lives but never into mine.
Because if I did that, nobody ever noticed I was lonely and afraid.
But now… things had started to feel different. This summer had felt different. And it scared me more than ever before because I’d never expected my plans to shift so much, for one man to shake the foundations of my life and introduce the idea I might want something new.
I couldn’t blame Darcy though, because he’d never even realised he was doing it.
Neither had I.
And now I was tempted to give up everything for him. For a man I’d known for less than four months.
What the hell was wrong with me?
“I mean, you’re welcome to,” Darcy said quietly, not really looking at me as he twisted his hands in front of his chest. “Come back that is. To Lick It!”
To me.
I could hear it in his voice even if he hadn’t said it.
And then he tilted his head up, his eyes meeting mine, longing shining out of them like a beacon. It was beautiful andterrifying in equal measure, and it felt like I was being pulled under by a current I couldn’t see, drowning in my own emotions as I fought against the tide.
“I… I… I’m sorry… I can’t do this,” I said, turning on my heels and walking straight past him towards the front door. I knew leaving was ridiculous, that walking out was childish and petulant and wasn’t going to solve anything.
But I did it anyway.
And I hated myself for it.
“Owen, wait,” Darcy called after me, his feet smacking on the floor as he strode after me. But I’d already gone out the door barefoot.
“Owen! Where’re you goin’? Come back,” Dad added. The note of surprise in his voice was almost the most painful part, and I knew I’d disappointed him because he’d raised me better than this. He’d always tried to encourage me to talk honestly about how I felt, even if it hurt, but somewhere along the line I seemed to have forgotten that.
I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going. I just didn’t want to be there. Because if I was there, I’d have to finally confront reality and all the emotions I’d been doing my best to avoid.
If I could have magically teleported myself to the other side of the world, I would have done.
Yeah, I wouldn’t have any of my stuff but at least then I’d be free.
The thought stopped me in my tracks, the cooling air caressing my skin and sending a shiver down my spine as the sun set over the moorland.
Free… that was such an odd way to think about it. When had I ever not been free?
I wasn’t trapped or imprisoned in any way. I never had been. What I wanted was to avoid the possibility of being hurt. And Iwas willing to let other people suffer so I could take the easy way out.
Fuck, that was pathetic.
