No, I decided. There was not.
The waves lapped against my legs as I walked towards them, trying to decide if silence really was the best option. I didn’t want it to look like I was ignoring them though.
“Mornin’,” I said, giving them the most awkward fucking half-wave since the invention of the fucking thing.
“Morning? That’s all you have to say for yourself? Morning?!” Milo stared at me, his eyes almost popping out of his sockets as his moustache bristled, a vein pulsing noticeably in his temple.
“Calm down,” Alfie said quietly, pulling his hand out of the pouch of his Sword & Flame hoodie and putting it on Milo’s arm. I almost wanted to ask what else he had in there, just in case it turned out to be some sort of Bag of Holding or Mary Poppins’s carpet bag.
“Oh, believe me, I am calm,” Milo said with a growl. He glared at me. “What the fuck do you have to say for yourself, you fucking bellend? Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”
“Yes, I do. And I’m so fucking sorry. Would you believe me if I said I never meant to hurt Darcy?”
“Yes,” Alfie said. “But mostly because I think you’re a selfish, immature dickhead who’s never considered the consequences of his actions before.”
I winced. His words weren’t anything I hadn’t thought about myself, but it hurt hearing them from someone else. “You’re not wrong.”
“Were you planning to talk to him? Or were you planning on leaving again and making us pick up the pieces of his broken heart?” Alfie continued, giving me a disdainful look, like he was peering right into my very soul.
“Broken? More like fucking shattered,” Milo muttered as he folded his arms across his chest. “Did you know he blames himself for this? Thinks it’s all his fault for getting attachedto someone who was always planning on leaving. Won’t even consider letting you take a shred of responsibility for this.”
“What? Why would he think that?” My heart lurched, pain lancing through it like someone was trying to rip it out of my chest.
“Because apparently you were clear from the start that this was only for the summer, and he shouldn’t have fallen for someone who treated him so nicely. God, were you always planning to totally fucking bulldoze his self-esteem?”
“N-No, I… I only wanted to make him happy.”
“Happy? Happy?! I should fucking kill you for that,” Milo said, his eyes darkening as he jabbed a finger at me. If Alfie hadn’t been there, he probably would have punched me. And I’d have deserved it. “How fucking dare you? You fucking wanker! That man is the furthest thing from happy I’ve ever seen. He’s skipped grief and gone for full-on nihilism! He thinks he’s not worthy of being loved. He’s literally given up on hope. I…” His words trailed off as he growled in frustration, and I could feel the pain behind his words.
Milo and Alfie loved Darcy so much, and I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to watch someone suffer that much.
It was another strike against me, another black mark in the column of my selfishness. I’d never really been around anywhere long enough to comfort someone going through loss, heartbreak, or grief. Where I’d once considered the relationships I’d developed on my travels to be deep and meaningful, now I could only see them as surface-level connections.
I might have formed a lot of friendships, but none of them had really gone into that place of deep vulnerability or love. How could they when I wouldn’t open myself up? I’d spent so long running from myself, thinking I’d found the true meaning of happiness, when all I’d done was cut myself off from the chance of finding anything real.
I’d closed my heart under the illusion of protecting myself from heartbreak, but in reality it meant I’d never allowed myself to experience anything like love.
Real love, that was. Not lust disguised as love or a fake kind of love I’d forced myself to believe was real.
It was why my marriage was always destined to implode, because I’d had one foot out the door from the start. And I hadn’t loved him either. Not really. I’d just told myself I had because he loved me.
And I’d always wanted to be needed.
“Look,” Alfie said, the coolness in his expression making me shiver. “If you don’t love him or want to be with him, that’s fine.”
“Debatable,” Milo muttered.
Alfie raised his eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. Milo didn’t pay him any attention. Alfie cleared his throat and continued, “We’re not going to force you, because Darcy deserves more than someone who’s only with him out of pity. He shouldn’t have to beg to be loved or for someone to choose him.”
“No, he shouldn’t,” I said.
“He deserves the world and more, and if you won’t give him that then you should leave. And you should never come back. But if,if, you ever cared for him, if you want to actually open yourself up to the idea of loving someone other than yourself, then I suggest you consider talking to him.”
“And by talking, I mean getting on your fucking knees and grovelling, wanker,” Milo said. “One simple sorry is no way near fucking enough. I want full-on throwing yourself at his feet and begging for mercy.”
“Do you… do you think he will talk to me?” I asked, looking between them. Their words had given me the tiniest bit of hope, and I was ready to cling to it like a life raft.
“Maybe.” Alfie chewed his lip, looking doubtful for a second. “I can’t make any promises. You broke his heart, Owen. Hisspirit is totally crushed. And I get that this whole situation is probably a lot more nuanced than you walking out on him, that there are a lot of conversations you two should have had before it got to this point. But this is real life, and people don’t always communicate in the best way. We’re all messy and imperfect and we make a lot of mistakes. I’ve done it too. It’s what you do about them though, that’s the important part.”
