Trapped. Car. Blood. Glass. Death. Trapped. Car. Blood. Glass. Death.
“Maisie, talk to me, honey. I’m here with you. I’ve got you. You’re safe, I promise.”
I can hear the concern dripping from Grayson’s voice, but it does nothing to pull me from that nightmare of a day. I thought I was getting better. I haven't had a full blown panic attack in a long time from being in a car. This deer has thrown me all the way back to square one.
My hair is brushed from my face, two large hands engulf my cheeks, but I’m stillthere. That day.Trapped. Car. Blood. Glass. Death. Trapped. Car. Blood. Glass. Death.“Trapped,” I whimper, the last of the air leaving my lungs.
The sound of a door opening barely registers until mine is thrown open and fresh air graces my skin. It feels like heaven. My body is gently yanked from the car until I’m wrapped in a tight embrace. It feels like a warm, safe blanket, helping ease my anxiety.
I drag in one shaky lungful of air, my chest rattling with the movement. “That’s it, honey. Again. You can do it.” I heave, a little less shaky this time, and my vision clears with it. “Good girl, I knew you could do it. What can I do to help?” he asks anxiously. He has me pulled in his lap, wrapped around me on the side of the road.
“I’m okay,” I manage to say around another breath. “I just need a minute.”
“Take as much time as you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
He has no idea how hard those words hit right now. My life has always been a living nightmare of wondering who will disappear from my life next. When the shoe will drop and flip my whole world upside down. It’s one of the reasons I’ve struggled to find true, deep connections in friends or love interests. You can’t be broken past repair if you never fully invest your heart. I think it’s one of the reasons I haven’t let Grayson have all of me yet. It’s easier to break ties if I haven’t fully dipped my toes in the water.
The feeling of him wrapped protectively around me, helping me fight my demons, has me seeing our situation in a different light, one where I can rely on someone else to pick up the pieces and shove them back in the right places when I don’t have the strength to do it myself. Bad days are inevitable, but they don’t have to be faced alone. My relationship with Grayson seems to be backwards from anyone I’ve had with a man so far. Usually, it’s physical affection before you see all the ugly, raw pieces of each other. Not with us, though.
Grayson is different. He’s seen me for all I am, and I’ve seen him. My pain calls to his in a way that’s like a Band-Aid to mine. It helps mend it.
“I sometimes have trouble riding in cars,” I admit, looking out at the trees surrounding us, thinking back on that night. Grayson remains quiet, squeezing me tight so I know he’s listening. “It’s gotten better over the years. I thought I had it manageable. This, well, it just brought it all back.”
Grayson’s thumb strokes my jaw in encouragement. “Healing isn’t always linear. It dips and crashes like waves in an ocean, but then the tide goes out and washes it away for a brief moment. It’s about weathering the waves and learning to ride them out.” He looks between my eyes. “Do you want to talk about it?”
No one has ever asked me that. My initial reaction would normally be no, but I want to share this with him. I want to connect deeper and plant those roots for once with someone, even at the risk of having them uprooted one day.
“It was like any other day of my life. I woke up and got ready for the day, had breakfast with my family, bonded over my latest softball game with my dad. It was all perfectly normal—until it wasn’t. Lan had been begging our parents to take us bowling, and they finally caved. We all loaded up into the car, and the next thing I knew, we were upside down in the middle of the intersection. A car had run a red light and t-boned us. My…my parents, they didn’t make it. Died on impact, the medics told us. If we would have been even a foot further into the intersection, it would have been me and Lan in their places, and they would still be here.”
My leg burns with phantom pain from that day. I absentmindedly drag my finger over the scar marring my body as a permanent reminder of that day. Grayson catches the movement. I slowly pull the hem of my dress up until my upper thigh is exposed. A large, jagged scar cuts up the inside of my leg, long healed now.
Grayson’s hand is drawn to it like a moth to a flame, reverently marveling at it as if it's a piece of precious art. “This is from that night?” he asks, his voice rough.
“A piece of metal was lodged in my leg when the medics found me. Luckily, that was the worst injury I received, besides a concussion and some minor cuts and bruises. Oakland fared pretty well too. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost him too. I…I don’t think I would be here today if I didn’t have him to navigate this life with. We’ve been through a lot together.”
His thumb traces my scar, helping soothe the pain away. “Well then, I owe your brother my life, because I couldn’t imagine a world you weren’t in, Maisie Rae Brooks.”
Another root takes hold, gripping into the earth, determined not to break. I let it seep into the dirt, and, for once, I feel at ease with the connection. Icraveit, even. I help pat the dirt down so it holds firm.
“Me either,” I whisper, looking up into his big green eyes. They speak of a million emotions, but the one that catches my breath is the raw compassion. He sees me more than anyone ever has, my brother included. He’s dug his way under my last layer into uncharted territory, and it scares me. What if he doesn't like what he finds? What if he changes his mind? The way he’s looking at me speaks of none of those things. His eyes tell a completely different story.
“Are you okay?” he asks with genuine concern.
I swallow, dragging my dress back down. “Yeah, I’m perfect now.”
“We’re almost there. We could walk if you want.”
I wave him off, scooting out of his lap. “No need. I’ll be okay.”
“Swear?”
“Swear,” I whisper, a smile back on my face because of him. “Thank you again. I’ve never been able to stop a panic attack from fully taking me over before tonight. All because of you.”
“I’ll chase all your demons away for the rest of our days if that’s what it takes to keep that pretty, carefree smile on your face.” My cheeks heat, and I turn away from him so he can’t seehow deeply his words affect me. “That pretty blush comes in a close second,” he teases, opening my door for me.
“You and your pretty words,” I joke, swatting him away when he tries to buckle me in. “I’m fine. Go drive us somewhere so I can experience this legendary datetheGrayson Miles planned for me.”
He chuckles, jumping into the truck and pulling back onto the road. We drive another couple minutes before we’re turning into an abandoned parking lot. Grayson’s hand remained firmly planted on my knee the entire way, making sure I was okay.
