I don’t mean to turn toward the forest. But my feet do it anyway. Before I know it, I’m walking down the path I and Daegel took when we last stayed here, deeper into the forest.
Just as I remember, it’s dense and lush. Full of life in every branch, bush, and tree. I follow the path, knowing damn well what waits for me at the end of it.
When the sound of rushing water reaches my ears, my heart stumbles in my chest. The air cools a little, and a moment later, I emerge into the clearing with the waterfall where Daegel brought me to train before the first trial.
That day, I was mesmerized by the beauty of the waterfall, the crystal clear water and dark rocks. My heart was full when Daegel set up the blanket and the picnic for us right here, on the dark patch of grass I stand on right now.
Today, though, the water looks dark and cold, the grass tired, as if it has seen better days. Cold seeps into my bones, even through my leathers.
Funny. Life tends to change colors when we’re in love. Things that are rotten appear shiny. Things that are dull, sparkle. Even the most mundane of things appear crafted from gold.
The only time life reveals its true colors is in the absence of love.
A ball lodges in my throat. I try to swallow it, but it’s stuck there. The very tip of my nose tickles, and the backs of my eyes burn as I look at that damn patch of grass.
If you agree to my plan and drop out, I will make you my Taaslord. Fuck, I will make you my damn queen.Daegel’s words surge to the front of my mind.
What a fool I was.
What a fool I am…for still grieving him.
I can’t stop it. I blink, and a couple of tears escape. They roll down my cheeks, leaving wet, warm trails behind for more tears to follow.
I close my eyes, hoping that will stop them.
Daegel’s and my lips met. His kiss was sweet as honey, and I wanted to drown in him. Daegel’s hands were confident as they held me close to his body, and his mouth was just as eager as my own. The moment we pulled away from each other, panting, the spell broke, though, and reality set in.
I took a step back, startled at what just happened. No matter how complicated our relationship was, or how angry I was at him, we just couldn’t stay away from each other.
He rubbed the corner of his mouth and then said, “Stay alive, Phoenix.”
My knees hit the cold, hard ground first. Then my forehead does. I keep my eyes closed, but it does little to stop the tears. A sob wrenches out of my throat. My whole body trembles. I want to scream, and scream. Until my vocal cords are in shreds.
It physically hurts, how much I miss him. Despite what sort of man he truly was. Despite the horrible things he’s done.
It only makes it worse. The guilt is thick, dark mist curled around my heart and lungs.
I force myself to sit on the backs of my heels first. My hands tremble, and I can barely breathe through the tears. I slap a hand over my mouth to try and stifle the sobs. But it doesn’t help.
It’s like a floodgate is open, and all the grief I’ve been denying myself since I won the trials needs to get out.
I need to snap out of this. I can’t…I can’t be like this.
Shaking, and sobbing so hard I can’t get a breath down, I force myself to my feet. Every step feels three thousand miles long, but I head towards the waterfall.
I jump into the pool of dark water without a single thought. Without giving myself a moment to hold my breath.
Feetfirst, I fall.
The cold is paralyzing as the water envelops me in its brutal grip. My eyes widen, whole body frozen in shock. Time slows, and then stops.
Slowly, my limbs relax and stop trembling. Finally, my mind is my own and not occupied by uncontrollable grief.
Suspended in time, I let my body float in the dark freezing cold. It’s cathartic.
Somewhere in the distance, water roars. It’s muted, as if it’s happening somewhere else. The water is so clear, I can see through it like a window. But there’s nothing but darkness. The waters are deeper here than I expected.
My throat loosens. My lungs burn from the lack of oxygen. I fight against the urge to try and breathe until the very last moment.
