What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
She said our mentor-mentee relationship is for life.
“Why?” When Kazh doesn’t answer me, I say, “Kazh, I know Caligos is a threat but you’re in no danger. You’re under my strict protection. And my Ezkai’s. I will never let them get anywhere near you.”
There’s a loaded pause, and then Kazh’s face breaks into a wide grin.
I’m so shocked to see her smile that for a moment I just stare at her, mute.
Has she ever smiled before? Like an actual, amused, genuine smile?
She raises her cane and points at me. “You thinkIneed protection? Thatyourband of fools could protect me?”
She barks a laugh.
Her genuine amusement at my concern for her safety makes me bristle. “Well, I’m sorry for caring about your well-being. Forget about it.”
I wiggle in my seat and close my eyes again so I can focus. Right before I do, I catch a glimpse of an odd look on Kazh’s face. As if she has something not insulting to say for once. She chooses not to.
Pressure in the middle of my chest builds to the point where I can’t breathe well. I rub the place where Lorca’s tattoo is, trying to release some of the tension.
“What happened now?”
A shiver goes through me. I blink my eyes open and glance at Ezkai Bjorn, Ezkai Emil, and Jax playing cards at that same damn small table just outside the meditation room.
At the start of the week, Jax was winning almost every hand. Through our connection, I know he’s good because he’s an excellent bluffer. Dangerously manipulative. He even knows how to control his vital signs, like his heartbeat, even when he’slying through his teeth. Which is terrifying. I didn’t know it was possible for someone who’s not a Decarios.
But something happened.
A switch flipped sometime this week and now, he wins only certain rounds. He lets Ezkai Emil and Ezkai Bjorn win some hands, too.
Kazh taps her cane right in front of my nose and I startle. My attention shifts back to her.
“Focus, shithead,” she snaps. “What happened now?”
I clear my throat. “Um…well…” I pause and shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do once I’m inside? When things come up, and show up, and try to pull me into madness, what’s the goal here? To resist?”
“Your subconscious mind, what lurks there, tries to provoke you. At any cost. If you get lost in it and give in to it, you’ll lose yourself. Your being, your mind. If you keep getting scared and running away, it will always hold power over you. The goal is to be grounded enough to withstand the fear, need for control, anger, rage, hatred, grief, sadness, guilt, and even happiness and not let your own mind, or anything and anyone around you, provoke you. That is what mastering the blessed trinity is all about.”
Silently, I mull over her words in my mind. I hear her. It makes sense what she’s saying. Unfortunately, that feels so far away from my reach, that sort of mastery and calm.
My feelings are stronger than me. They always have been.
“You can’t solve every insult with blood,” Dad said with a disappointed sigh.
I was maybe ten. Blood on my knuckles. The older girl I’d fought had been twice my size, but I’d knocked her flat.
Mom crouched beside me. “If your anger drives you, it’ll destroy you.”
I’d shrugged, pretending it didn’t matter.
Dad said, “This is serious, Phoenix. If you can’t control your temper, someone else will control it for you. You won’t like how that ends.”
So many things changed over the years. But this remained, my anger, always faster than my reason.
Jax’s presence becomes more prominent in my mind, and I glance over at where he sits to find him watching me.
He says nothing, though. And when Ezkai Emil pulls out another card, he looks away and laughs at whatever Ezkai Emil says.
