He cupped my cheek in his palm. “I can’t if you might regret it in the morning. I need to be—I’m supposed to be looking out for you, Addie. Protecting you. This is—I don’t want to take advantage of you when you’re vulnerable.”
My brow furrowed, and my mind raced, trying to understand.
It played back what he’d said, unable to figure out why I still wasn’t enough for him to want. My boldness deflated, and my hips stilled as tears pricked my eyes.
“You’ve had an awful night, Addie.” He searched my features, his hand still smoothing my hair back from my face, but numbness crept in and I barely felt it. “Rest tonight. Tomorrow, we can?—”
When he cut himself off, guilt flashed across his features. He swiped his thumb across my cheek, clearing away a tear as I withdrew my leg from over his hip. Rolling onto my back, I tried to keep the rest at bay.
But his rejection, however honorable or right it might’ve been, still stung.
“Addie, are you okay?”
I turned to my other side, curling into a ball and staring at the wall. “Yeah. I’m good, Blake. If you want to get some sleep, I understand. You don’t have to stay.”
As I forced the words out, they tasted like ash on my tongue. I waited for him to withdraw and leave, unwilling to let myself fall apart until he did.
But Blake moved with me. “No, Addie. I already told you I’m not leaving you alone tonight.”
He brought his arms around me, holding me while I fought to get my emotions under control. While I fought to drive out the voice in my head telling me he didn’t want me.
Telling me I was alone.
Reminding me I always would be.
“Get some sleep.” He kissed my head. “I’m not going anywhere.”
We lay there quietly in the darkness.
With his hand still draped over my waist, and his hips carefully placed away from my body, he slowly dozed off. Right before he did, he pressed a kiss to my cheek and whispered, “I’ve got you, kid.”
And even though I was exhausted, I couldn’t bring myself to fall asleep again.
Not until I forced myself to accept that while he’d kissed me back, while his body had responded to mine, and he’d leaned into the moment, he couldn’t possibly want me the same way I wanted him—Desperately. Beyond reason or rationality. Uncontrollably.
My realization in that moment hit harder than the blow Finn had landed.
It wasn’t his fault.
But I’d made myself a promise.
And I couldn’t go through this again.
14
BLAKE
THE MORNING AFTER, MAY 2018, AGE 19
Iwoke up the next morning before my alarm went off, still holding Addie in my arms.
She rarely slept in, so I couldn’t bring myself to move and risk waking her up. But the clock beside her bed warned me that if I didn’t leave soon, I’d miss my mandatory meeting with my coach.
Reluctantly, I extricated myself from her bed, sliding off the edge to kneel beside it. I brushed her hair away from her face, unable to pull away until I was sure she wouldn’t wake.
It felt wrong, leaving her, and I’d have to admit why that was sooner rather than later—not just to myself, but to her.
Even if it meant she might leave again.
