“Do you want to walk me through what’s going on up there?” She nodded to my head. “Maybe I can help you sort it out?”
Tucking my legs under me, I nodded. “With Finn, it’s simple. Once. That’s all he got. And I promised myself I would get out before he had the chance to do it again.”
“And you did.”
“Yeah.” I released a breath. “I called Adam. He came to get me.With Blake.”
Tessa gave me a sympathetic smile. “I know you asked him to come alone, sweetie, but…can you really blame him for coming, too? If he was there and he heard?—”
“No. Of course not. And honestly, after thinking about it, it would’ve hurt more if he hadn’t shown up for me. I was grateful that he did. Grateful that he helped me that night when I had nightmares.”
“But…” She nudged when I fell silent.
“But I can’t keep breaking my own heart, waiting for the way he shows up to mean more, and I’ve never truly had space to get over my feelings for him. What that has led to is a series of unfortunate choices…like choosing to date Finn. None of that is Blake’s fault. I believe he loves me. I know he cares deeply for me, but I have to let this go.”
“And you’re sure? You’re sure there’s nothing there that?—”
“Nothing that doesn’t result in more hurt, even if it’s just initially. And I can’t—” I shook my head, tears pricking my eyes again at the thought of Finn. “If I’m going to get over what happened with Finn, understand why I chose that, why it appealed to me, and why I ignored all the warning signs before it reached that point, Ineedto do that from a healthy, secure space. Not more ambiguity with Blake.”
She exhaled, frowning slightly before nodding. “That makes sense. It does. It’s?—”
“Going to suck.”
She huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I didn’t want to be the one to say it, but…”
“But if I don’t want it to be forever, then I need to do this now.” I shrugged. “And I don’t want it to be forever. I promised Adam I’d be there for our twenty-first birthday trip.”
Tessa balked. “That’s two years away!”
“I’m not saying it will take that long. I’m just saying the sooner I get started, the more likely I can keep that promise. And I want to, not just for Adam or for Blake. But for me.”
Reaching over the arm of my chair, Tessa pulled me into a hug. I wiggled out of the uncomfortable position she’d locked me into and wrapped my arms around her, too.
“I’m proud of you, Addie.”
“Thanks…” I whispered, closing my eyes as I thought of Blake that day in the kitchen.
“So, what’s the plan?”
Lifting my head, I found Tessa studying me. The way she’d gently pulled me out of my spiraling thoughts was exactly why I needed to be here.
“We spend an amazing summer together. At the end of it, if my mom and dad agree, we’ll go to the apartment while the boys are on the big hiking trip they planned to take before sophomore year started, and I’ll get the rest of my things.”
“Then we’ll move in together and continue being amazing,” she added.
“Exactly.” I smiled at her. “And I’ll use that time to figure out who I am…”
I couldn’t bring myself to say the rest of that thought out loud.
Even as I laid out my brilliant plan, the idea of truly letting him go felt impossible. I hated the thought of it. I didn’t know who I was without the part of me that had always loved Blake Hawthorne, and I didn’t know if I could stop loving him.
But that part? It had been hurting me for a long time.
Not because he didn’t love me, too.
Not because he’d been cruel like Finn.
Simply because I saw a future for us that he didn’t see. One where we were more than just friends, more than family, and more than two people thrown together in childhood because my brother sucked at making more than one friend and my parents took one look at the sweet blond boy with a terrible father and couldn’t leave him to fend for himself.
