In Junior year I had my first kiss. Sebastian had just transferred to our school, and he sometimes hung out with me and Lou. One Friday night when we were playing games at Lou’s, she went to the bathroom, and he leaned over the table and kissed me.
The next Monday, I got my head shoved into a locker, and when I got my bearings and turned around, Trey, Simon and River stood there, glaring at me.
“You disgusting fucking faggot! If you ever touch my cousin again, I’ll fucking kill you, you piece of shit!”Trey snappedbefore he spat at my feet, slammed his palm at the locker beside my head and walked off.
Sebastian never talked to me again after that. But that didn’t stop Trey and Simon from shoving me, scribbling more slurs on my locker, and taunting me.
“Do guys hold on to your hair when they fuck you? Do they know you’re not really a girl?”
“Of course you’re a fag, your lips were made for sucking dick.”
“The fuck are you staring at, loser? I’ll break your fucking chicken legs."
“You think he takes it up the ass?”
“Of course, he does. Just look at him!”
They made fun of my drawings, and when my art teacher showed one of my paintings in class, complementing it, they said I’d only gotten the praise because I’d sucked his dick.
The summer before Senior year, Lou and I talked about prom. I told her I didn’t know if I wanted to go, but she said we had to.
“We’re going, end of story! We’re going to show up and show those fuckers that you are not to be messed with.”
She picked out a dark blue tux for me, and said it matched my eyes. We practiced dancing together, and the more we talked about it, the more I looked forward to it.
I wanted to go and show them that I didn’t care what they said about me, that they couldn’t hurt me, and that I wasn’t the loser they thought I was. Even after everything, I still just wanted people to like me. And prom started to feel like an end of an era. Like, if I could survive until then, everything would work out. It’d be the end of high school.
And then Lou left.
Her dad came home from work one night when we were in their kitchen, helping her mom with dinner. And he told them he got a job offer in Austin.
“What about school? And prom? What about graduation, Dad? You can’t be serious?”Lou yelled at him.
“We’re leaving in a month. I already talked to a real estate agent. It’s settled.”And then he left the room.
So, a month later, Lou left, and I had my first panic attack. I didn’t leave my room for a week. I couldn’t eat. I barely slept. I talked to Lou on the phone all the time, begging her to come back.
I cut classes, missed exams and paper deadlines. I tanked my SATs. The guidance counselor tried to talk to me, help me out, but I had already given up. I just wanted out of school. Without Lou, I felt so fucking alone.
On graduation day, I showed up, accepted my diploma, and left.
That summer I did everything I could to change every single thing about myself. I threw almost all of my clothes away, and ordered new ones. Oversized tee’s and baggy jeans. Hoodies, sneakers, and snapbacks.
I cut my hair and bleached it. I spent the whole summer trying to transform my walking, talking, my mannerism. Anything I could think of.
And then I told my parents I wanted to move out of Santa Ana, get a fresh start somewhere else. I didn’t have to tell them twice. Mom found Andrew’s ad, and I moved in two months later.
A week after that, I walked into Bold Tattoo Studio for the first time, as an entirely new person.
59
Seth
ItfeelslikeI’mon a boat, one minute the sea’s dragging me down, the next, I’m pushed up by the waves.
I hate everything about this. I hate that I broke down in front of Kaden. That my mask slipped, and he saw every ugly thing I keep hidden. I hate that he feels sorry for me.
And at the same time, I haven’t felt this relived in years. I’m lighter than helium.
