I’ve grown into this character—this version of me, and I don’t hate him. But I don’t want to be scared anymore. I don’t want to worry about what people will say, or think about me. I don’t want to be a people-pleaser, but I don’t know how to make it go away.
I just want to be me, but I don’t know how those two versions of me can co-exist. I don’t know how to blend them.
And I’m afraid that if I show people the real me—the softer side of me—they’ll leave. That this wasn’t what they signed up for.
And that’s why I gave Kaden an out. I didn’t want him to have to do it. But he didn’t take it. He’s still here. Even aftereverything I told him, after what he saw and heard, he’s still here.
“What are you thinking about?”
I turn to look at him. He’s lying on his side on my bed, still fully clothed, watching me. I turn back, facing the ceiling.
“Nothing. I don’t know.”
“Have you slept at all?” he asks.
“A little. You?”
“A few hours, I think.”
We didn’t even get undressed last night. Just went to bed and talked. And I told him more. It was like, as soon as I opened the gates, it just poured out of me. And I thought it would be scary—and it was—but Kaden… He made me feel seen. Made me feel brave.
But now—in the daylight? I’m not so sure anymore.
The mattress dips when he turns around, grabbing his phone from the bedside table.
“I’m so—”
“No,” he cuts me off. “Don’t say that one more time!”
“But—”
“No.”
I apologized to him so many times last night, he eventually told me to shut up. I was so embarrassed, and ashamed, and I felt so fucking flayed open I couldn’t fall asleep.
I don’t want to go to work today, but I don’t want to be alone either. And I have a customer coming in this afternoon, so I guess I have to go.
“I just—”
“If you say sorry one more time, I’m out of here.”
“No, that’s not… I just, I don’t want it to be weird between us, so can you like, forget everything about last night?”
When he doesn’t answer, I turn to look at him. He’s watching me again, darting his eyes between mine before he takes a breath and licks his lips.
“It’s not gonna be weird between us, but I can’t forget what you told me, Seth. I’m not gonna hold it against you, or treat you differently, but I can’t forget it.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.” He moves closer, leaning on his arm and hovers over me. “Can I kiss you?”
“No,” I say, turning my head away.
“No?”
“No, ‘cause that right there, that is you treating me differently. Yesterday, you wouldn’t have asked. You would’ve just done it.”
He grabs my chin, forcing me to look at him.
