“No …” I trail off, unsure of where to begin. “I just … I got up there and I didn’t have anything to say, Nik,” I say. “Why do I want to be Head Girl? Everyone else was talking about class hoodies and debs, and how they have all of this leadership experience. I don’t want to be a bloody leader of these girls; I barely even like talking to them half the time. I definitely don’t want to spend half of the final year in school planning a dance where I’ll probably have a miserable time.”
“Well, if you go with Hani, I’m sure you—”
“Nik.”
“Sorry,” she chuckles. “Look … I could have told you your reasons for running for Head Girl were rubbish, but if it’s what you want, it’s what you want.”
“I never even thought about becoming Head Girl before … before you told us about dropping out of university.”
“So you want to be Head Girl … to show me up?”
“To … show Ammu and Abbu that I’m … not you,” I mumble. When I told Abbu and Ammu that I was going to be Head Girl, the decision to run had made sense. But now, my reasons make a knot form in my stomach.
“Trust me, Ishu … Ammu and Abbu don’t think you’re me. They’ve already written me off, but they still have faith in you.” Nik says this all breezily, but I can sense the hurt in her words.
“They haven’t written you off,” I say, even though I’m not sure I believe that.
“That doesn’t matter.” Nik sighs. “Look … if you want to run for Head Girl for Ammu and Abbu, I get that. But … you don’thaveto do it.”
“I don’t … think I want to be Head Girl. Also … it’s not even possible for me to be Head Girl. Everyone still thinks I cheated.” I sigh. “They’re trying to protect Aisling, apparently.”
“God, that bloody school,” Nik mumbles under her breath. “It’s always been a fucking nightmare, but somehow it’s gotten worse.”
“Hani stood up for me.” I don’t know why I tell Nik that when I’m still trying to hold onto my anger at Hani. But it’s getting increasingly difficult with her baking cupcakes and running up on stage to defend me in front of our entire year.
“God, I wonder why,” Nik says in the most exaggeratedly sarcastic voice possible.
“Shut up.”
“Look … Ishu … you don’t have to ever do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t have to run for Head Girl if that’s not what you want. And you don’t have to forgive Hani if that’s not what you want to do. I just … want to make sure you’re doing things for the right reasons. So, not because of Ammu and Abbu, and not because you don’t want to give you and Hani a proper shot.”
“That’s not why.” My voice sounds more defensive than I want it to, and I can almostseethe knowing smile on Nik’s face.
“Okay, Ishu … whatever you say. I have to go. Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah … I’m going to be fine.” And I try my best to sound fine, and not like I’m standing in an ugly green bathroom stall questioning everything.
chapter forty-seven
hani
WHISPERS FOLLOW ME THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THEschool day. I’m not sure if I’ve actually done much to help Ishu, or if I’ve just made things worse. But the worst part of everything is that I can’t even find Ishu anywhere. She’s obviously still avoiding me, and I’m not sure if I can even blame her. I go through the rest of the school day with my head bent down low, buried in my books.
When the final bell rings at the end of the day, I couldn’t be happier. I rush to my locker before hurrying out of the school gates, like putting distance between me and the school building will somehow solve all my problems.
Still, somehow, Aisling and Dee manage to beat me to the gates. They’re both waiting for me, their eyes boring into me.
“Maira, what the hell was that today?” Aisling asks as soon as I’m within earshot.
“I can’t believe you would stand up in front of our entire year and accuse Aisling of—”
“The truth?” I cut Dee off before she has a chance to finish. “It’s not an accusation if it’s the truth.” Shooting them both glares, I attempt to push past, but there’s two of them and only one of me.
“Are you seriously going to do this overonefight?” Dee asks.
“It wasn’t one—” I start, but Aisling cuts me off.
“I’m sorry.” Those words that I thought I’d never hear out of Aisling’s lips slip right out. I stop in my tracks to take her in. She has her head bent down low and she’s speaking slowly, as if this is all incredibly painful for her to say. Even Dee is looking at Aisling with wide eyes, so this must be unplanned.
